Holiday Cheer

*sung to the proper tune*

"It's beginning to look a lot like CHRISTMAS! Except not really because I can walk outside in a short sleeved t-shirt and not be cold." - Athletic Training Student as she's making decorations

Well if that's the only necessary qualification...

"A, do you have C's number?" - E
"What's a C? Why would I have his number?" - A
"Because you're white!" - E

Postseason horror

*athlete 1 puts his glove under athlete 2's nose*
"Awww, MAN! What did you do to those things?!" - Athlete 2
"Not washed them since day 1." - Athlete 1, proudly
*I make gagging noises*

At least they're being healthy?

"McDonald's?!" - step girl 1, using face time
"One, McDonald's gives you--*3 girls in unison*--STOMACH CANCER." -step girl 2
"And two, we're better than the dollar menu! - step girl 3

Use your words!

"Okay, so tell me what happened." - Me
"Okay, so I went 'tss tss tss' *arm pumping motion* and then he went 'tss tss tss' *arm pumping motion*, but he was bigger than me, so he went 'tss tss tss' on my leg." - Athlete

Testimonials

"Miss, my hamstring is bothering me, can you do a massage or something?" - Football 1
"Uh, no." - Me
"Trust me, you do NOT want any massage she gives. It feels nice right after, but the next day you are sore. You feel like someone beat you. You need another massage afterwards from someone who's going to be gentle." - Football 2

Fair warning

"I'm transferring a parent to you, and I'm letting you know I'm sorry." - Nurse to me

*the parent ended up being great, just really chatty*

New job adjustment issues

You've been....thunderstruck

*Athlete was hit in the boy parts and hasn't gotten up*
"Was it a direct hit?" - Me
"Yeah, it was like a roundhouse kick to the juevos." - Coach
"It was like kung fu fighting up in here." - Other Athlete

That's not a thing, sweetie

"THIS IS TOO COLD! I THINK ABOUT TO GET ICEBITE!" - Athlete having ice cup on her foot for the first time

What does "Gig 'em" even mean?!

"He got sent to this hospital with Dr. H, who I love. He's an Aggie, but I let that slide because he's so awesome." - Coworker

They've got something

"You ain't got bunnies." - Athlete 1
"I don't need bunnies. I've got gators." - Athlete 2
"Gators?! What are gators?" - Athlete 1
"Dude, gators jump really high too. Or birds. I jump like birds fly." - Athlete 2
"Dude, you ain't got gators or birds. You've got penguins!" - Athlete 1
*snorts with laughter* - Me
"See?! Even she thinks you ain't got bunnies!" - Athlete 1

Casey Jones vs. Babe Ruth

It's funny how life sometimes throws you curve balls, and yet when you swing for them, it's a home run.

Two weeks ago I was perfectly content at my small high school in New England, until a friend from undergrad called and told me he needed an athletic trainer at his high school in the South right now. It was a fantastic job opportunity that I just couldn't turn down.

So here I am, currently en route south with my mom on what she's been referring to as my "hair-brained scheme". I will arrive in town and then immediately head to a football game in a state where they refer to sports as "football and not football". I'm a little concerned as to how this is going to work out. I'm hopeful that it will be great, as it is a fantastic opportunity to work with my friend and feel fully appreciated for my field.

Here's hoping.

I'm sorry, but that's a blue form, not a yellow one

*Athlete has just been told they're not cleared for practice*
"So I just have to watch practice?" - Athlete
"Yep. You can play when you get that paperwork filled out." - Me
"I didn't know I needed paperwork." - Athlete
"Let me just explain: whatever you do in life, always make sure you've filled out the appropriate paperwork." - Me

Expectations

Mini Golf

"I got an extra ball." - Former Athlete
"Uh, why?" - Me
"Well, I couldn't decide which one was pink enough." - Former Athlete

Long way to the top

"I wanna hold that kid down and shave his head." - Admin, talking about a kid with relatively long straggly hair
*kid puts on neon orange sunglasses and starts walking an epic strut*
"Hahaha!" - Me
"Is it the strut?" - Admin
"Yep. And the shirt that goes down to his knees and the lax bro short pants. But the hair's not so bad. He looks a bit like Angus Young." - Me
"If he could play guitar like Angus Young I'd let the hair slide." - Admin
"Me too." - Me

Tech gen logic

"Hi, can you watch my phone? I don't want to leave it in my bag." - Lax player
"Are you a day camper or an overnight?" - Me
"Overnight." - Lax player
"Then why did you bring it out with you? Why didn't you leave it in your room?" - Me
*really long pause*
"I don't know." - Me

Can't stop the signal

*Walking down the hallway towards the main door in jean shorts and a white t-shirt*
"Whooooah. 'Eeeeeey booooty!" - Two ten year olds at the other end of the hall
*Give them this look*

Adorable little sociopaths

No, mommy needs her water.

Just a little bit.

No, because remember at the beach yesterday you said you were only going to have a little bit of my water and you poured it out and filled it with sand.

But it was special sand. And I filled it all the way to the top.

- Conversation between a mom and her 3 year old son

Get outta here, kid. You bother me.

*Knock Knock on my door*
"Are you selling anything?" - Two young kids
"What?" - Me
"Are you selling anything? The other coaches are selling heads and stuff." - Kids
"Oh. Yeah, I'm the person you come to when you're hurt. I'm not selling anything." - Me
"That's weird." - Kids, walking away

Truffle Shuffle

"Don't move." - Coach, who then turns and walks away
"I'm moving." - 10 year old Goalie, putting his palms together overhead and then wiggling his hips side to side

Not MPAA approved

"I have a question. Can there be, like, minimal twerking? Not full twerking but just a little." - Campers prepping for talent show

Double check

"Dude, you good?" - Me

"Yeah, I just stayed down because I was tired." - Camper

Ab work

Things said while doing core work with lacrosse goalies:

On side planks:
"I think my ass is about to break off!"

On flutter kicks:
"I totally feel like Michael Phelps right now!!"

They're taking it back?

*In the lacrosse unlimited camp store where multiple girls are present*
"One and one, we're having some fun, in the bedroom, all day, and all of the night!" - Group of boys, singing a rendition of 'One and One' by 2 Live Crew (To the tune of 'I just want to be with you all of the time' song)
"Oh, yeah, that's the 2 Live Crew song." - One boy to another
"Why are you guys singing 2 Live Crew songs. Keep it holy, now!" - Me
"You know who 2 Live Crew is?!" - Boy
"Of course I know who they are. I was alive when they were founded. Something you cannot even say." - Me
"But you know the song 'One and One'?" - Boy
"Of course I know it! It's not appropriate!" - Me, knowing full well I've never heard that song but knowing enough about 2 Live Crew to know that it shouldn't be sung at camp
"Well it's coming back!" - Other boy
"Oh dear god. Go back to your room." - Me

So much for advice from elders

*At the lacrosse unlimited camp booth on the boys' floor of camp*
"You guys just wanted to be on the boys floor." - Me
"Uh, no. I have a boyfriend." - Girl
"What? You're like 10." - Me
"What?! I'm 13." - Girl
"Yeah, it still doesn't count." - Me
"What do you mean? It totally counts." - Girl
"Haha sure. Don't trust the married woman." - Me

Cooties

"Are we having an evening session?" - Girls
"Yes. It starts at 6:15." - Me
"NO! We don't want to!" - Girl
"Well too bad. Go get ready." - Me
"But I'm all sweaty and smell like a boy! And boys are gross!" - Girl

At least they know the words?

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK* - Suite of our dorm room
"NO NO NO!! DON'T ANSWER IT! It's kids." - Frantic whispering by a couple coaches
"I'll just say no coaches are in here." - Me
"Okay." - Coaches
"What's up girls?" - Me
"Um, is C or M in there?" - Gaggle of 8-9 year old girls
"No. None of the coaches are in here." - Me
"WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT! NO! WE AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT!" - Girls in unison
"Do you even know who sings that song?" - Me
"No. OH MICKEY YOU'RE SO FINE!!" - Girls
"What about that song?" - Me
"MICKEY MOUSE!!" - Girls

Stocking up for camp

"Yeah, go see that guy to put money into your kid's account for the camp store." - Coach
"How much should I give you?" - Mom
"Three hundred!" - Camper
"That's way too much!" - Mom
"Two hundred." - Camper
"That's much more reasonable." - Mom

False threats

*After no text responses for almost a week*
"Sorry on a trip." - Former Athlete
"You hate me. I get it." - Me
"Was it that obvious??" - FA
"Clearly. Maybe I'll just move to Texas and save you the trouble of not answering my texts. Then you'll miss me.
And I'll sing that song from pitch perfect as I drive away..." - Me
"Don't say stupid things... They're scary." - FA
"I'm sorry!! I don't want to move to Texas!!" - Me

Birthday prank

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" - Me
"Thank you!" - Former ATS
"Whatcha doin'? - Me
"Working. You?" - Former ATS
"Packing for the move." - Me
"Moving? Where are you moving to?" - Former ATS
"Texas, did I not tell you that?" - Me, 100% joking
"NO!! YOU'RE MOVING TO TEXAS?! THIS IS THE WORST BIRTHDAY EVER!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" - Former ATS
"Ha. No. I'm totally joking." - Me
"I hate you. You almost made me cry on my birthday." - Former ATS

It's the humidity that kills you

"Hullo." - Coach, walking past me in the dorms with his shirt pulled up to his armpits, exposing his abs and pecs
"Uh, why?" - Me
"Sweaty." - Coach

Naivete

"We heard this kid was in the bathroom for like an hour and a half..." - Coach
"Maybe he was painting the ceiling. You know, they share rooms." - Other Camp Medic
"Painting the ceiling!" - Other Camp Medic's 6-year old son

It was only funny the first time, bud

"He's Lebroning so hard!" - Camper about another kid's flop

The darndest things

Things heard at lacrosse camp:

"FISH ARE FRIENDS, NOT FOOD!" - Multiple boys in unison

"Suns out, buns out!" - Athlete
"Whose buns are out?!" - Coach
"Yours!" - Athlete, pointing at coach's epic man bun

Thank God for lax bro shorts?

"Are you the kid from earlier with the foot?" - Me
"Yes." - Athlete
"Ok good. I remembered the shorts. I can't go by helmets or shirts, because all your shirts are neon." - Me
"I never wear neon." - Athlete
"Dude, look at your shirt." - Me
*Athlete looks down at neon green shirt*
"Well that doesn't count!" - Athlete

Summer Camp

*Coach walks by my room in the basement*
"Hiding from the kids?" - Me
"Maybe." - Coach
"Baby." - Me
"You say that, but you're down here." - Coach
"Touche." - Me

Facial expressions not included

*Via Snapchat*
"I'm on Pinterest again--SAVE ME!!! - Me
"Mmmm...no." - Former ATS

Trash talk at its finest

*working semi-pro football in the Bronx*

"Rap started right here! On this field! Right here! I got nothin but respect! Nothin but respect!" - One of our athletes

Zurg will be destroyed with sugary drinks

*Side Note: I have two offices. The large main one sits between the boys and girls locker rooms and connects to the boys locker room (AKA "Earth"). The second office (AKA "The Moon"), is located entirely in the girls locker room and storage for things I don't trust anyone with*

"Do you want some Gatorade?" - Me
"Oh my God, yes!" - (recently graduated) ATS
"Okay. I need to grab my keys, because it's in the moon." - Me
"I never realized how fitting that was." - ATS
"Why?" - Me
"Because you're my Buzz Aldrin, and now we're going to the moon." - ATS
"TO INFINITY, AND BEYOND!!" - Me, blasting off into space
"Mix ALL the jokes!" - ATS

Suns out...

*Watching S (who has huge muscles) do pushups only in the mid-range*
"He's not getting full extension!" - Me
"What's the big deal?" - J
"His muscles may be big, but they're beach muscles; they don't do anything." - Me
"OHHHH! BURN!!" - J
"What?" - S
"I just said you have beach muscles. You've got the guns, but there's no ammo." - Me
"OHHHHH!!! BUUUUURRRRN!" - J
*S then spends the next ten minutes trying to convince me otherwise*

Weightlifting music

I don't understand the music choices of my kids sometimes...

Song #1

"Hell yeah, hell yeah, F*** it right!"

Song #2

"That's just the way it is..."

Only in the ATR

*Three athletes are having a cuddle puddle on one of my treatment tables*
"*sigh* This." - Male Athlete walking through

Judgement-free zone

"I think I fell asleep." - Male Athlete
"You did. We left you alone." - Me
"You did. You drooled. See? There's a nice little stain." - SA
"Greeeaaaat." - Male Athlete
"Don't worry, we don't judge. We point and mock, but we don't judge." - Me

In a row

"They're just standing out there." - SA, indicating boys weighting to lift
"The coach isn't here yet." - Senior Male Athlete
"Yes, but they look like a bunch of baby ducks. You should go out there." - SA
"Why?" - SMA
"So they can imprint on you. It would be cute." - SA
"Yeah, go be a mama duck." - Me
"And they'll make little duck noises." - SA
*in little baby voices* "B! B! B! B! B! B! B! B!" - Me and SA

*Note: My ATS pointed out to me the accidental pun on "weighting to lift" as opposed to the correct "waiting to lift". I've chosen to leave it incorrect for the sake of humor and acknowledgement of my own lack of sleep on any given day*

A figure of speech in which a term or phrase is applied to something to which it is not literally applicable

*ATS drops her phone and cracks the screen*
"FFFFFFFFFFFFF!!" - ATS
"Was it cracked before?" - Me
"No!" - ATS, laying down in a corner of the hallway
"Do you want popcorn?" - Me
"No." - ATS
"Do you want Rolos?" - Me
"Kinda." - ATS
"Okay. We'll get you some when we come back downstairs." - Me, walking upstairs with two other athletes
"THIS IS A METAPHOR!!" - ATS from the bottom of the stairs

Well that escalated quickly

*Athlete is putting duct tape on one of my chair arms*
"What are you doing, G?" - Me
"Having fun." - G
"Why?!" - Me
"BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE A CHILDHOOD, K!!" - G

Hearing check

"I make delicious grasshopper pie." - Me

"What?" - Athlete

"Grasshopper pie." - Me

"What is that?" - Athlete

"Chocolate chip mint." - Me

"What?" - Athlete

"Chocolate chip mint." - Me

"What?" - Athlete

"Chocolate. Chip. Mint." - Me and Athlete 2
"Ohhhhh why didn't you say that the first time!" - Athlete 1
*Confused stare* - Me

Patience

"THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!" - Me
"Breathe." - Female Athlete
*I inhale deeply through my nose and forcefully exhale*
*mockingly* "There ya go!" - Female Athlete

Mess with the bull...

"If you're going to kill the king, you have to hit the king." - Male Athlete
*SA mocks punching Male Athlete*
"DON'T HIT THE KING!" - Male Athlete

Amusement

"What are you doing?" - Me
"Trying to put the stray string from this lacrosse stick up his nose." - SA
"Oh, okay. Can I try?" - Me
"Sure!" - SA, handing me a men's defensive lacrosse stick
*maneuver string into Male Athlete's nose*
"Agh! It went so far in!" - Male Athlete
"Haha I'm proud." - Me
"I feel so violated!" - Male Athlete
"Was that unwanted touching?" - Me
"Kinda. It tickled my brain." - Male Athlete

Home sweet home

*While looking at random trivia for Connecticut (current location) and Washington State (my home state)*
"Ooh! Famous people!" - Me
"Okay, let's hear it." - Athlete
"Connecticut: Samuel Colt." - Me
"Who?" - Athlete
"Famous gunmaker." - Me
"Oh, right. More." - Athlete
"P.T. Barnum, Nathan Hale, Harriet Beecher Stowe, and Noah Webster. All well-known." - Me
"Okay, not too bad. What about Washington?" - Me
"OH! Bob Barker. BOOYAH!!" - Me
"DAMMIT! You win." - Athlete

Literate stupidity

"You can't have a black guy named Tom. I mean, Uncle Tom's Cabin, come on!" - Athlete 1
"It might be the whitest name in the world." - Athlete 2

I'm scared and confused

"This is a safe space." - Me
"This is normal." - Male Athlete, indicating that another athlete is playing with his nipple
"Is this unwanted physical contact?" - Me to Male Athlete
"Believe me, this is very wanted." - Male Athlete

Sports

"I don't know why people do a sport that's just running." - G
"Because you run slow, and then you can talk, and tell stories, and sing songs." - Me
"We sang songs in wrestling, but they were just songs about how unhappy we were while running in the stairwell." - G

Getting the message

"Is K in here?" - Male Lax Athlete to SA
"Yes. Why?" - Me
*MLA starts crawling into my office because I don't allow cleats*
"I need bandaids." - MLA

Noises

"No, please stop. Your cup still has little bits of soda in it and I don't want it to get on me!" - SA
*Male Athlete keeps trying to put his cup on her*
"NIMNIMNIMNIMNIMNIMNIMNIMNIMNIMNIMNIM!!" - SA
*I turn and look at her*
"What?" - SA
"That was just so cute!" - Me

Enjoying the nice weather

*Heard from the boys locker room*

"IIIIIIIII'M GONNA SOAK UP THE SUUUUUUUUUN!! I'M GONNA TELL EVERYOOOOONE TO LIIIIIGHTEN UUUUUUP!!"

Prom hair

"Just to clarify, my hair took three hours, three tries, and a few tears." - SA
"So were the tears incorporated into the hair or...?" - Me

I have my moments

NOTES:
1. I went to Oregon State for school.
2. Oregon State is currently ranked #1 in the country for baseball by the baseball writers association

*Kid on visiting baseball team wearing giant sweatshirt that says "O BASEBALL" on it*
"If you're going to wear a shirt for an Oregon Baseball team, shouldn't you be wearing one for a team that actually WINS games?" - Me
"OOOOOOOOOOH!!! BUUUUUUUURRRRN!" - His entire team in unison

Those darn kids with there music and their clothes

"I don't like this song. Wait, is this the Harlem Shake?" - Me
"Haha no. It's 'we're the illest.'" - SA
"Oh." - Me
"Jeez, K. Get with the program. Wikkidy wikkidy wack, yo." - SA

Why so serious?

"Calm your ta-tas! But you'll need me to actually get you a bra." - SA to Male Athlete

The Shaggy Dog

"You have so much hair." - Me to Male Athlete who was tousling his almost shoulder-length hair
"I know." - Male Athlete
"You look like a sheep dog." - Me
"Yep. We're a proud race, us sheep dogs." - Male Athlete

Rolling in the deep

"Is this a computer?" - Athlete
"Yes." - SA
"Is it yours?" - Athlete
"Yes." - SA
"What kind is it?" - Athlete
"It sets fire to the rain." - SA
"HAHAHAHAHA!" - Me
"What?" - Athlete

Lady part rebellion

"What's wrong?" - Me
"I have a headache and I don't feel well." - Female Athlete
"Are you on your period?" - SA
"Yes." - Female Athlete
"Will you have it for prom?" - SA
"YES!!! I AM SO FREAKING PIIIISSED!!!!" - Female Athlete
"Well, that escalated quickly." - Me

Constant supervision required

"GAHH!" - Male Athlete
*Look over to see his pants halfway down while wearing neon orange compression shorts and him pointing at a huge welt on his knee*
"B?!?! WHY DO YOU INSIST ON TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF?!?!" - Me
"Because my shorts are all the way over there." - Male Athlete
"SO?! PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!!" - Me

Love and marriage, love and marriage...

"Why do you have a bunch of engagement rings pinned?" - Me
"I just love them. And--everything to do with marriage." - Athlete
"*pause*...Does that include divorce?" - Me
"NO!" - Athlete

Athletic Supporters

"Why are you staring at me? Are you staring at my man-boobs again?" - Male Athlete
"No, but I'll get you a bra if you want." - SA

Semantics

"A, I'm broken again! Fix me!" - Male Athlete to SA
"Come on!" - SA
*Heard from the other room*
"I DIDN'T SAY YOU COULD TOUCH ME! THAT'S SEXUAL ASSAULT!" - Male Athlete
"YOU SAID I COULD TOUCH YOU!! I ASKED FOR CONSENT!!!" - SA
"Oh, right. K, we're good in here! Never mind!" - Male Athlete to me

PDA

*Boyfriend and Girlfriend kiss*
"Ewwww!" - Female Athlete
*Bleeeeaeaaaagh* - Me and Female Athlete

Or else it gets the hose again

"Why are your arms so soft? I've always wondered." - Female Athlete
"I use lotion." - Male Athlete
*giggling to myself*
"What? Are you laughing because of the lotion thing?" - Female Athlete
"Yes." - Me
"No, he's really soft. See?!" - Female Athlete, dragging Male Athlete over

Heard in the ATR

"Did you get blood in my hair?!" - Female Athlete to Male Athlete

Foreign Languages

"You should stop making that noise because you sound like you're speaking Parseltongue." - Student Assistant
"What's Parseltongue?" - Athlete
"SHUT UP AND GET OUT!" - SA
"What she said." - Me

High tech equipment

"This stick is insane. You could put a baby in here and not worry." - Lacrosse athlete holding another player's stick vertical and not losing the ball in the pouch

Where's the singing?

*Athlete stomps into my office dripping wet from the rain outside and glares at me*
"You're so pretty." - Me

The best day of her life

"Ah! Shit, shoot!" - Athlete, hitting her head on the door handle

TMI

"GLOSSING!" - Me

All ages

*seen at a boys' basketball tournament*
"Do you wanna build a snoooowmaaaaan? Do you wanna come and plaaaaay?!" - Athlete skipping and singing across the court

Now where's Leo?

*Lacrosse girls carrying jug of water out from my office*
"Ugh, it's like the Titanic all over again!" - Athlete
"Only hopefully less casualties this time." - Me
"YES!" - Both Athletes in unison

Mexican Standoff

*ATS has been playing with my notepad for the last five minutes*
"GIVE IT BACK!" - Me
"NO!" - ATS
"I'LL SNEEZE ALL OVER YOU!" - Me
"SO?!" - ATS
"YOU'LL HAVE MY BOOGERS ALL OVER YOU!" - Me

Stuck between

"I need food." - Me
"A's bringing me a wrap." - Athlete 1
"Sweet." - Me
"So if it's gross guess who gets it." - Athlete 1
"Me!" - Athlete 2
"Dude, rock *points to Athlete 2*, hard place *points to myself*, YOU *points to him in between us*." - Me

Put some effort into it

"*burp*" - Male Athlete
"That was weak." - Me
"Yep." - Female Athlete
"BUUUUUUURRRRRRP*" - Male Athlete
"Much better." - Me

Lost little lambs

*walking into football meeting*
"You guys causing trouble?" - Me
"Of course." - Athlete 1
"Just looking for a coach, as always." - Athlete 2

Faster than the speed of thought

"What's the score?" - Athlete, standing directly in front of me
"2-2." - Me
"Wait, what's the score?" - Athlete
"I just said it." - Me
"Yeah, I asked, and then you answered, and then I asked again before I had thought it through. I talk faster than I can think." - Athlete

Champions

"Did you know lacrosse heads used to have spikes on the end?" - Athlete
"Really?!" - Me
"Yeah, they used to stab each other in the ribs with them." - Athlete
"That's awesome! So it was like the Hunger Games?" - Me
"Pretty much, but with slaves." - Athlete
"Sweet! The Hunger Games and Gladiator combined! Why did we change it?!" - Me

No ginger jokes

"The fire in his hair will keep him warm." - athlete to another about her boyfriend

Pimp my ride?

Something I never thought I'd have to say:

"G, I do not need spinners on my golf cart!"

Not even a contest

Supersized

*While having a conversation about McDonald's*
"My grandpa's diet used to consist entirely of their apple pies and strawberry milkshakes." - Athlete
"Really? That sounds horrid." - Me
"Nah, he was lovin' it." - Athlete
"Pun intended?" - Me
*Athlete bows head in shame*

Torture

"AGH!!" - Female Athlete in other room
"hehehehehe!" - Male Athlete in other room
"What just happened?" - Me
*Male Athlete walks into room holding up his cleat*
"No. Just no." - Me
*viciously attacked by smell emanating from cleat*
"OH MY GOD!" - Me
"My eyes are watering!" - Female Athlete

All hail the grammar superhero!

"UConn does good under stressful situations." - Athlete 1
"Superman does good. UConn does well!" - Athlete 2
"HAHAHAHAHA! I'm so happy right now!" - Me
"Uh, why?" - Athlete 1

Hope for the youth of America

*Male Athletes pounding on the door to the locker room*
"No!" - Me
"What? Oh, boys." - Female Athlete
"Yep." - Me
"And then there came a rapping, a tapping on my chamber door." - Female Athlete
"Quoth the athletic trainer: never more." - Me

LATFH

*ATS walks in wearing large tortoise shell glasses and bright red lipstick*
"You are such a hipster." - Me
"Why?" - ATS
"Look at you, with your hair, and your large glasses, and your bright red lipstick." - Me
"First of all, this is my hair--" - ATS
"Oh! Did you see what I found?!* - Me, indicating the pile of water jugs
"My dignity? Because I think I lost it sometime." - ATS
*pause*
"You had dignity?" - Me

Ah, puberty

"Oh my God,  he answered the door without his shirt on and it was TMB--Too Much Body!" - Overheard while working a basketball tournament with a bunch of 13 year old girls

Urban dictionary won't save you now

*athlete says something that sounds derogatory*
"What did you say?" - Me
"No, I said binger. Don't worry." - Athlete
"You're a terrible liar." - Me
"Why? It's a type of house plant." - Athlete
"Uh huh." - Me
"I'm six feet under right now, aren't I?" - Athlete
"Getting deeper by the second." - Me
*athlete mimes digging*

My eyes are burning

"B, you smell awful." - Me
*motions to hug me*
"No!" - Me, cringing
*motions to hug two girls*
"NO!! NO!!" - Both
*shorter girl ducks under his arm*
"See, that's the perk of being shorter." - Me
"Totally." - Short athlete
"Yes, but that makes it easier to--" *motions to shove his armpit in her face* - B
"NOOOO!!!" - Short Athlete

Here it goes again

"Wow, these pants are not the ones I thought I was wearing. I'm going to pull my shorts back up." - Male Athlete
"Lack of supervision, part two!" - Female Athlete

New Concept

"You guys are gonna get spoiled." - Me
"Why?" - Baseball Player 1
"Because." - Me
"We don't get spoiled. Do you mean like milk?" - Baseball Player 2

Phrasing!

"I feel like I'm walking around with a stick up my butt." - Male Athlete 1 with ice strapped to his back
"So take it out." - Male Athlete 2
"But I like it there." - Male Athlete 1

Color of the day

"This says 'Currently Craving: Green'. Apparently I'm craving green. I crave colors." - Athlete on Pinterest on her laptop
"I'm currently craving...clear." - Me, taking a drink of my water
*We look at each other*
"Hahahahahaha!" - Both of us

Leonardo DiCaprio would not approve

"How did you even do that, M?" - Me, to Male Athlete who just knocked over my mug of water
"He wanted to lay down like one of your French girls." - Female Athlete

Lack of supervision

*I walk back into my office from the cafeteria to see one male athlete putting his belt back on in a room with three other people*
"Wha...?" - Me
"Oh! Yeah..." - Male Athlete
*everyone laughs at the face I'm making*
"I was gone for two minutes!" - Me
"Well, to be fair, he was putting his pants back on." - Female Athlete
"Still!" - Me
"Well, I wasn't sure if I wanted to change because of the ha, and the hooo, and the wooo wooo." - Male Athlete, miming lacrosse motions

Joining the majority

"My boob is slipping!" - Male Athlete with a lacrosse ball down his shirt

Egos

"Hey, look at this and tell me on a scale of 1 to 10." - Male Athlete 1, showing a picture of his older brother in military uniform multiple people
"Wait, what?" - Male Athlete 2, walking into the room looking very confused
"He's trying to convince us that his older brother is less attractive than him while in uniform, but it's not working." - Me to Male Athlete 2
"Oh...yeah, it's not. He's a good lookin' dude." - Male Athlete 2
"What?! No!" - Male Athlete 1
"And if a guy says it, you know it's true!" - Female Athlete

First Responder

"Hey K, do you have any candy?" - Male Athlete 1
"Hey K, do you have another Arizona tea?" - Male Athlete 2
"No." - Me
"Can I just go roll my butt?" - Female Athlete 1
"Yes." - Me
"Wait?! What kind of operation are you running back there?!" - Male Athlete 2
*I nearly choke on my Arizona tea*
"Can you cough? Keep coughing!" - Female Athlete 2
*I start to choke harder*
"I'll talk you through this! You'll be okay!" - Female Athlete 2

Specifics

"Hey.....someone might be coming in." - Male Athlete 1
"Okay...?" - Me
"Here he is." - Male Athlete 1
"Hey, do you have ice? I got hit in the...yeah." - Male Athlete 2

Stalking

"The girl I'm thinking of rooming with next year is also going to the orientation thing I'm going to." - ATS
"So you're going to meet her?" - Me
"Maybe. I don't want to be all 'Let's meet under the arch at this time,' that would be creepy." - ATS
"So you don't want to be creepy? You're going to wait until you're living together and she's stuck with you?" - Me
"Pretty much, yeah." - ATS

Mind readers. We're all mind readers.

"Oh, I need to show you this. I pinned it just for you." - Me
*shows picture of romper outfit to ATS*
"Why am I looking at this?" - ATS
*scroll down to bottom where it says "Show this to G"*
"Hahahaha! Hey G!" - ATS
"I already saw the romper!" - G calls from the other room

Surviving Jaws

*Athlete walks out of my office on crutches*
"He did that in gym?" - ATS
"Yeah. Sharks and Minnows." - Me
"Wow...go hard or go home..." - ATS

Old vs. New

"K, I like you better than E (the former AT). - Athlete
"Why? I thought everyone like E." - Me
"Oh we do. But...you're just less...fuzzy." - Athlete
"I would hope so!" - Me

Vagueness

*In an email from ATS to me*
"I need help. Are you at school?" - ATS
"Yes. Should I be worried? You're not going to ask me to help hide a body or anything, are you?" - Me

Now you're just making that up

"What did you get?" - Athlete 1
*Athlete walks in with a Subway bag*
"I got Subway." - Athlete 2
"No s***." - Athlete 1
"Hey!" - Me
"No...ssss....skidoodles." - Athlete 1

Upperclassmen Wisdom

"He can't keep it in his pants!" - Senior Female Athlete 1 about classmate

"Totally!" - Senior Female Athlete 2

"T, keep it in your pants!" - SFA1 to Sophomore Male Athlete

"Okay. Wasn't planning on anything." - Sophomore Male Athlete (T)

Following the footsteps

Boyfriend Descriptors

"I wanted to show him that episode, but I couldn't say 'You remind me so much of Adam Scott, so here is him crying in a Batman suit.'" - Athlete

g-r-A-y, as in the ACTUAL one

"Why is this book called 'Gray's Anatomy'? And why is it spelled differently than the TV show? Was it named after the show?" - Athlete
"Because it was written approximately 150 years ago and the show used the name but changed the spelling to be clever/avoid getting sued." - Me
"Oh. I feel really dumb now." - Athlete

Location Location Location

"Well, I want to check your pelvic girdle to see if you're painful anywhere else." - Me
*finds pain while stretching athlete's piriformis and glutes*
"Wow. I really feel that in my butt." - Female Athlete
"Yep. I'm not surprised." - Me
"So it's my butt that's the problem today, huh?" - FA
"Apparently." - Me
"Aren't you done yet?" - Athlete 2
"No. My butt is a problem." - FA

Coping

"You're in rage mode, aren't you?" - Me
"I was. I'm not anymore. What gave it away?" - ATS
"You're suddenly blasting angry Fall Out Boy." - Me
"Oh. Yeah. It helps." - ATS

Letting Go

"K, we have a big problem." - Athlete
"What's up?" - Me
"I've had this ankle brace for six years, and it's finally ripped--" - Athlete
"Six years?!" - Me
"Yeah, why?" - Athlete
"They're supposed to be replaced every year." - Me
"But that's the problem: I can't get new ones! It's states!" - Athlete, hugging ankle brace to her chest
"Let me see." - Me
*Athlete hands me ankle brace clearly molded into the shape of ankle valgus*
"Let me guess: this is for your right ankle?" - Me
"How did you know that?!" - Athlete
"Lucky guess." - Me
"But see? It's ripped here!" - Athlete, pointing to where edging has come off of the fabric part
"Yep." - Me
"Can we salvage it?" - Athlete
"Well, if you haven't sprained your ankle wearing that this far, it's probably not going to kill you to keep using it. Although I strongly recommend you get new ones after the season." - Me
"Oh thank God! K, you rock!" - Athlete

Risk Taker

"Are these the banana bread muffins?" - Athlete
"Yes." - Me
"I've already had mild anaphylaxis, what else could happen?" - Athlete
"Never tempt the anaphylaxis gods, for they are fickle creatures." - Me
"True." - Athlete

Keen Observational Skills

"Are you coming to the game tonight?" - Me
"There's a game tonight?" - ATS
"Yeah, I told you yesterday." - Me
"Frak. I don't have any clothes." - ATS
"What about that bag?" - Me
"What bag?" - ATS
"The Stew Leonard's bag right there." - Me, pointing to a bag two feet from ATS
"That's not mine." - ATS
"That's not yours?! It's been here for like three weeks and I haven't done anything with it because I thought it was yours." - Me
"OH WAIT! OH MY GOD THAT'S MINE! I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR IT EVERYWHERE!" - ATS
"It hasn't moved in three weeks." - Me
"Why don't you point these things out to me?!" - ATS

Soul-crushing Debt

"How long will you be paying off student loans?" - Athlete
"The rest of my life...unless I win the lottery." - Me
"That could happen." - Athlete
"No, because I don't enough money to buy a lottery ticket!" - Me

Apt Date

"You guys are going to make me fat." - Me, taking pizza
"But it's Fat Tuesday, so it's okay!" - Cheerleader

Carbon Dating

*visiting team fan is holding a sign that says "THE PIT"*
"What's the pit? What pit is he talking about?" - Home Team Fan
"Maybe he's talking about the Pit of Despair?" - Me
"What's the pit of despair?" - HTF
"Man, I feel so OLD!" - Me
"What? Why?" - HTF

NOPE

I just found dirty knickers in my office left by one of the refs after showering.

NOPE NOPE NOPE.

I don't care if I just threw away your $35 compression shorts.

IF YOU LEAVE DIRTY UNDERWEAR IN MY OFFICE I'M THROWING IT AWAY.

In the immortal words of Ron White:

"Things that make you go 'bleagh'."

Withdrawals

"I miss being on your blog. I guess I'll just have to get funny again." - Former Athlete

Two Adults

"Want the last ones?" - Me, offering brownies to a (male) coach
"I get both?" - Coach
"Yep." - Me, opening the tupperware
"Can I take the tupperware?" - Coach
"But it's mine." - Me
"But I eat them slow!" - Coach
"But--" - Me
"I'll wash it and bring it back." - Coach
"Promise?" - Me
"Pinky swear." - Coach, offering me a pinky
"Okay." - Me
"Kiss it. Gotta make it official." - Coach, kissing his thumb
*pinky swear*
"You know--" - Me
"Pinky swear is sacred." - Coach

Nicknames

"If I have to deal with red-headed stepchild and ginger jokes, you get unloved middle child jokes." - Me
"Deal." - ATS

Person of importance

"Here." - Me
*hands ATS my camera*
"What, so I'm relegated to pictures tonight?" - ATS
"Just until someone gets hurt." - Me
*ATS grumbles under breath*
"I can take the pictures if you don't--" - Me
"No! I want to!" - ATS, clutching camera

Following in the path

"Boys aren't allowed to have long hair?" - Me
"No." - ATS
"But Jesus had long hair." - Me
"HAHAHAHA." - ATS

Teen Wolf?

I understand that teenagers have hormones, but when I start to hear howling coming from the boys locker room, I start to question in just what direction those hormones are leading them.

Works like a charm

"K, do you have scissors?" - Athlete
"Yes, why?" - Me
"I got my bag stuck." - Athlete
*shows me that his bag is stuck to his braces*
"Sure, but do you mind if I take a picture first?" - Me
*go to get my camera*
"Never mind!" - Athlete, having ripped the cord free
"I swear, embarrassment, food, hormones, and sports fuels 95% of teenage boys." - Me
"It's what fuels me." - Athlete 2

Cool kids

"I need you to go buy cups." - Me
"They're gonna think I'm a huge partier. They'll think I'm throwing bangers." - Student AT
"Is that what they're called now?" - Me
"I don't know. I don't have any or get invited to any." - Student AT

On female wrestlers

"I personally feel that the genitalia of men I've never met belongs squarely not on me." - Me

Beaver Believer

"Where were you before?" - Athlete
"Oregon." - Me
"Quack." - Athlete
"Did you just say quack?" - Me
"Yeah, Oregon Ducks." - Athlete
"Get out." - Me

Thoughts on the Remodel

"Oh, you got new tables. I hope I pass out so I can lay on one." - Athlete

So Close...

"And with that, we're done." - Me
"You mean we're actually going home?" - AT Student
"And before 9 pm too." - Me
"Wow..." - AT Student
"Well it's because I want to see my husband." - Me
"Oh, thank God for your husband coming home!" - AT Student

No Stranger Danger Here

"Should I keep this information from the training on how to not molest children?" - Me
"Nah. I think you're good." - Athletic Training Student
"Yeah?" - Me
"Yeah, I'm not at all worried." - AT Student

You can tell they miss me

*while stretching a former player's groin*
"I think I might fart." - Athlete
"HAHAHAHA!!!" - Me
"Is that blog worthy?" - Athlete

It rubs the lotion on its skin...

"Hey, what's up?" - Me
"I just came in to get lotion." - Athlete
"Okay." - Me
"Yeah, I was over at my friend's house...and he doesn't think lotion is cool. So I'm all...dry." - Athlete
"Haha...okay." - Me

Power play

*My student and I stumbled across an article saying how cats use purring to manipulate people, and ever since this conversation occurs daily*
"*Purring sound*" - Student
"Quit trying to control me!" - Me

Never shave again

"Want to sit down?" - Me
"Nah, I'm good." - Student
*2 minutes later*
"I knew you would eventually." - Me
"What can I say, I'm lazy." - Student
" So you couldn't be a hobbit?" - Me
"No. Too tall." - Student
"But you're too short to be an elf." - Me
"You hit the jackpot." - Student
"You'd make a good dwarf." - Me
"Yeah?" - Student
"Yeah. All we'd have to do is put a beard on you and you'd be the prettiest dwarf maiden in the land." - Me
"I'd be OK with that." - Student

Working hard for the money

"Oh, crap. We forgot cups." - Me
"Ugh. Yeah, we 'forgot' cups." - Student AT
"Would you please get me some water too?" - Me
"Fiiine." - Student
"There's a special place in heaven waiting for you!" - Me
"There'd better be!" - Student

On a scale of...

*While AT student K doodles a picture of Harry Potter*
"On a scale of 1 to 10, how bored is K?" - K
"9 3/4." - Me

Survival Skills

"Do you know where S is?" - Athlete 1
"I have no idea." - Me
"If she's not in the athletic training room, she's probably dead." - Athlete 2

Fairy Dust Not Included

"Do you know where the track team is?" - Athlete
"Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning." - Me

Multi-use

*while massaging athlete's calf between periods*
"Owwwwww! #$&*%#&% Wow...this mouthguard is really nice. Great for biting down on." - Athlete
"Better than a strip of leather?" - Me

Same thing

"S! Come watch this!" - Me, calling to athlete in hall
"What am I looking at?" - S
"Jumping cows!" - Me, pointing at video
"Is this what you called me in for?" - S
"Yes." - Me
"Okay, I have to go now. And cows can't jump." - S
"No, that's White Men!" - Me

Grace

*athlete almost falls back on swiss ball into wall*
*I look at her*
"Nothing."

When they think no one's listening

*Overheard in harmony from the boys locker room*

"EEEEEEVERY ROOOOOOOSE HAS ITS THOOOOORN!

JUST LIKE EEEEEEVERY NIIIGHT HAS ITS DAAWWN!"