I'm quite punny

"We're doing a core circuit. You do 45 seconds front, 45 seconds side, 45 seconds front again, and then 45 seconds other side." - Me
"That sounds horrible." - Athlete
"I'm hardcore." - Me
"Ha! I like that." - Athlete
"Why?" - Me

Laryngitis

"Do you like my voice?" - Me, rasping
"Very much. It's majestic." - Athlete

It's all their fault...

*Note: inspired by my athletic training student*
"My athletic training student convinced me to watch Sherlock and it kind of ruined me." - Me
"For what?" - Husband
"I don't know...life?" - Me

College

Meow Meow

"Are you purring again?!" - Me to athlete

Obliviate

"So I read a theory on why when you walk upstairs you forget why you're going up there--" - Athlete

*I interrupt with random something-or-other*

"Wait, I forgot what I was talking about." - Athlete

"Hahahahahaha!" - Me

"What's so funny?" - Athlete

We don't know kung-fu

"Can I borrow the blue pen?" - Athlete
"Do you want the blue pen or the blue pill? Because there is a difference." - Me
"Nah, I'm good with the blue pen. Not feeling Matrixy today." - Athlete
*I drop my head onto the desk and start laughing*

Glass is tipped on its side dribbling bits all over

"Have you heard about the opportunity test?" - Athlete
"No." - Me
*Athlete writes something on piece of paper*
"What do you see?" - Athlete
Shows me:

opportunityisnowhere

"Opportunity, I snow here?" - Me
"Well, see now you're just in your own category." - Athlete
"It's either 'opportunity is now here' or 'opportunity is nowhere', isn't it?" - Me
"Yep, but for you: OPPORTUNITY, I SNOW HERE!" - Athlete

Spontaneous Proposals

"I brought eggnog cheesecake bars." - Me
"Are these going to make me want to marry you?" - (Female) Athlete
"Don't you already?" - Me
*Bites into one*
"Would you accept a half of cheesecake bar as an engagement ring?" - Athlete
"Hahahaha!" - Me
"I'll take that as a yes." - Athlete

Keeping it Holy

"Hiding with the Father, huh?" - Me
"Yeah. I figured it was safe. You know, he's holy and all." - Athlete

Courage

Two athletes are going to a car in the snow to get something, and one stops halfway down:
"I'll pray for you! It's too cold!"

Anger Issues

"I need to get some anger out." - Athlete
"Well we're going to be doing heavy lifting tomorrow so you're welcome to help us." - Me
"When?" - Athlete
"Right after school." - Me
"We're actually doing work tomorrow. I know it's rare." - Athletic Training Student

Interwebs

Looking at something online with athletes:

"I'm uncomfortable!" - Athlete 1
"I'm actually enjoying it." - Athlete 2

Lending

"K, can I borrow the weight room?" - Athlete
"You want to borrow the weight room?" - Me
"Yes. Just for a little while." - Athlete
"Do you promise to bring it back?" - Me
"Yes. I just want to take it around the block." - Athlete
"Ok. Drive slow, and take it easy on the corners. It's icy out." - Me

Anxiety

"Hey, it's T!" - Me
"Is it just us?" - T, indicating him and R for the workout
"Yep, why do you think R called you?" - Me
"I don't know, I just figured R had separation issues." - T

Missing out

Text from athlete to ATS when ATS is home sick on the day I did wrestling hydration testing:

"You're missing K's cookies and wrestler's pee."

Digits

"I think I'd be okay if I lost my thumbs." - Athlete, with thumbs taped to hands

90's meme

Facebook post by a former athlete:

"M, on a scale of 1 to Dawson how much did you cry at Chicago Fire?"

You know can believe...

10 minutes after talking about Cool Runnings with my athletes...
*singing* "Jamaica, we got a bobsled team." - Athlete
*pause*
"K, I hate you." - Athlete

Warmups

*Seeing some baseball players throwing from far away*
"I hope you boys warmed up." - Me
"Yeah, we did these and these." - Athlete *mimes internal and external rotation at his side and 90 degrees abduction really quickly*
"With a band? Yay!" - Me
"No, just like this." - Athlete *mimes motions again*
"Gaah!" - Me

'Tis the Season

"She's such a f**** little b****." - Athlete 1
"I don't care what you call her, just don't swear." - Me
"Cotton headed ninnymuggins!" - Athlete 2
"YES!" - said in unison by Me and Athlete 3

Hashtag Twinning

"You're the good twin." - Athlete 1
"Amen to that." - Athlete 2
"You've always been the good twin. Since like kindergarten." - Athlete 3

Athletic Training Words

New words created in the athletic training room:

"Larsony" - Setting fire to a bookie's car

"Pamputate" - Spraying cooking spray on a wound prior to surgery

Impromptu surgery

Conversation between athlete and her boyfriend
"AHHHH. I GOT A HUGE PAPER CUT ON MY THUMB AND IT'S BLEEDING A LOT" - Athlete
"ELEVATE AND APPLY PRESSURE" - Boyfriend
"IT HURTS. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO AMPUTATE" - Athlete
"REMEMBER TO MAKE A CLEAN CUT AND ICE THE LOST DIGIT WE MAY BE ABLE TO REATTACH." - Boyfriend

Grains

My student athletic trainer was asked how to treat an ankle injury by another kid:

"What should I do?" - Athlete

"RICE." - ATS

"Like...brown...or pilaf?" - Athlete

Evilness

*Talking to former athletes*
"Yeah, K, you are just a terrible person." - Athlete
"Oh, and on that note, do you guys want some lemon squares I made today?" - Me
"K, I miss you so much!" - Athlete

Most delicious illegitimate love child ever

*athlete sends her boyfriend a picture of the chicken cutlets she cooked*
"They're beautiful, like the love child of Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling."

Stockholm syndrome

*Driving home with a former athlete*
"Are we in Hartford?" - Athlete
"No, Waterbury." - Me
"Oh, ok. I just didn't recognize where we were and thought you were trying to kidnap me like you always promise." - Athlete
"I'd feed you pizza." - Me
"What kind?" - Athlete
"Pepperoni." - Me
"You might as well kill me now." - Athlete

Closeness

"Oh my god, I have to pee." - Athlete 1
"Me too! We can go together. And hold hands" - Athlete 2
"We are NOT holding hands while we pee. That should be like, illegal, or something." - Athlete 1

Appearances can be deceiving

"Hey KA, look! It looks like I do sports! It's funny because I don't do sports..." - Athlete to another
"Because you're a cheerleader." - Me

Electives

"What's wrong with singing in a high pitched voice?" - Athlete 1
"Only when my sister does it." - Athlete 2
"Ok good, because I'm a high soprano." - Athlete 1
"I don't know what that means." - Athlete 2
"It means I hit the really high notes." - Athlete 1
"Well I took art." - Athlete 2

TMI

"By the way. M and I are in a complicated relationship." - Athlete
"Orly?" - Me
"Yeah. And then classic M. He asked me if I'd considered going into the porn industry. Which he totally meant as a compliment. He has a strange way of saying things. You have to speak his language." - Athlete
"Oh trust me, I hung out with boys starting in middle school. I speak it fluently." - Me
"Apparently I have a certain skill set haha." - Athlete
"AGH!! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!!" - Me

Warfare

"Well if you did X, you wouldn't hurt." - Me
"Ooh, K, dropping some logic bombs on us. Got that B-52!" - Athlete

Football bonding

"J, is it just you and me in the car home?" - Athlete 1
"Yes." - Athlete 2
"Can we blast homosexual songs?" - Athlete 1
"Yes." - Athlete 2

GCBs

"If she says anything else to you just say 'I'll pray for you.'" - Coach to athlete at halftime

To infinity and beyond

"It's like when you want to be an astronaut and Buzz Aldrin offers to hang out with you. You are my Buzz Aldrin." - Athlete on my offer to let her shadow me.

The Unknown Beatle

"M, name the Beatles!" - Athlete 1
"Not Jimi Hendrix...?" - Athlete 2

Royalty

Casual Friday

"We have a half day next Friday." - Athlete 1
"Why?" - Athlete 2
"All Saints Day." - Me
"What did you say?" - Athlete 2
"All Saints Day." -Me
"I thought you said All Sex Day." - Athlete 2
"That would be an odd thing for a Catholic school to do." - Me
"Like casual Friday, only better." - Athlete 2
"No. Just...no." - Athlete 3

Road Trip

"Can I come to the movie with you?" - Athlete
"Uh, sure, if you want to drive to Berlin." - Me
"I'll drive with you. I'll even bring my mixed tape. I've been saving it for a special occasion." - Athlete
"Or not." - Me

Just a Hunch

"kkkkkkkkkkkkk" - Former Athlete
"Are you dying again?" - Me

Bodily functions

"Ow. I just burped and it hurt." - athlete with shoulder in sling and ice wrapped on.

Terminology

"It goes brown restaurant, white restaurant, n***** restaurant--"
*athlete stops and realizes I'm looking at them*
"--I mean black people restaurant." - Athlete 1
"Tuxedo?" - Athlete 2
"Yeah. Tuxedo restaurant. Can you just pretend you didn't hear anything?" - Athlete 1
"If only I could." - Me

Twerking

We can twerk at McDonald's! - Athlete 1
No one should twerk anywhere. - field hockey coach
Especially not at McDonald's. - Athlete 2

Qualifications for emo

"Don’t take my coat! I look emo. Next I’ll have to start wearing guyliner and shopping and shopping at hot topic." - boys soccer player

Completely Without Context

Who do you think you are, Obama's pet rat?!

Height

"I feel like there’s such a difference between 6’ and 5’11". If you say you’re 6’ you’re a man, whereas if you’re 5’11" you’re just short."

Apparently there are levels

"Dude, he swears like a 20 year old!" - Athlete talking about his younger brother

Just receivers?

*while checking the arm of a player*
"I'm a receiver. I'm not tough!"

Priorities

"You know, I actually want the surgery. So I can, you know - use my hand." - One athlete to another

Sharing the torture

*5 minutes after I've played MMMBop for a bunch of field hockey athletes*

"Now that song's stuck in my head." - Athlete

Back to feeling old again

"Here's another one for you: Hanson." - Me
"Uhhh...I think my uncle likes them." - One of six athletes staring at me blankly
*facepalm*

Flashback to 1997?

"You probably don't know who this is, but I'm old enough to know who the backstreet boys are." - Me
"Oh my god! I LOVE the backstreet boys!!!" - said in unison by three field hockey girls

Advanced

*the field hockey coach's 2 1/2 year old daughter fell and slightly bumped her head in the goal*
"Boom time baby." - Me
"I'm not a baby, I'm a big girl." - Daughter

Did they send me daughters...

*athlete attempting a bounding drill with low hurdles*
"I will bring honor to my family!!"

Guilty by association

*I walk up next to the assistant football coach *
"I don't want to talk to you." - Coach
*I stare at him*
"You always have bad news." - Coach
*I stare at him*
"Every time an athletic trainer comes onto the field, it's with bad news." - Coach
*I stare at him*
"You only ever come onto the field with bad news, so I don't want to talk to you." - Coach
*I stare at him*
"Do you have bad news?" - Coach
"No." - Me
"Then why did you come onto the field?" - Coach
"To stand and watch. Quietly." - Me
"But I thought you had bad news." - Coach
"I didn't say anything!" - Me

Suns out...

"Can you do something about this?" - Athlete
*points to shoulder scrape*
"What is it?" - Me
"My pads keep chafing me." - Athlete
"You could wear sleeves." - Me
"Nah, gotta show off the guns." - Athlete

Nope, pigheaddedness

"Can I run?" - Athlete
"No!" - Me
"Why not?!" - Athlete
"Do we need to have that conversation again?" - Me
"Please?!" - Athlete
"Screaming in pain on the ground." - Me
"Grunting! I was grunting!" - Athlete

Stubbornness?

"When my knee goes numb, can I put my brace on and go back out there?" - Athlete
"No." - Me
"Why not?!" - Athlete
"Because you were rolling on the ground screaming." - Me
"I was not screaming, I was grunting." - Athlete
"That's like saying you didn't cry, you yelped." - Me
"Yeah, because it's more manly....oh, and I wasn't grunting in pain, just frustration." - Athlete

Morning energy

"Not everyone does coke in the mornings." - Athlete

Qualifications

K has just snatched the ball from defense in a receiving drill

"I don't count it; K shaves his legs." - Athlete

Moustaches

"You should've seen the old athletic trainer with mustache; he looked like a pedophile. Wait, no. A seventies porn star." - Athlete
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" - Me

Detours

"Shh! I hear an ice cream truck." - Me
"Yeah, it comes by all the time." - Athlete 1
"I have cash." - Me
"Want to buy me an ice cream?" - Athlete 2
"No. I'm debating if I can get away with going to go buy some with the golf cart." - Me
"Just say he needs ice." - Athlete 2
"Ice, of the dairy variety?" - Me

Knowledge

"Do you know who Peter Gabriel is?" - Athlete 1
"No." - Athlete 2
*I face palm*
"What?" - Athlete 1
"I'm so old!" - Me
"Yeah, but he didn't even know who Hank Aaron was. And I bet you do!" - Athlete 2

Your phone judges you

"I just tried to text B 'Are you joking?' but it autocorrected to 'Are you holding?' Apparently my phone wants me to be friends with stoners."

Benefits

"Abs help you run, abs help your back stay protected, abs help you...get a date for prom..." - Girls soccer player during conditioning

Ab workouts

Girls soccer player while contemplating doing a minute and a half plank:

"Just breathe like you're in labor!"

He just said WHAT?!

After a coach raced a player (and lost) to see if the whole the team would run, another player said:

"Damn, M has slave feet."

Rom Coms

"Okay, so we need to talk about this. How is Crazy, Stupid, Love NOT a romantic comedy?!" - A very indignant male athlete when I said it was a Dramedy

Bonding

Guest starring fellow athletic trainer E!

"I know you got a job but Marysville just opened up." - E
"Agh! That would be cool. Although Marysville traffic suuuucks." - Me
"It's not so bad considering the time of day. The guy who was there lived in Shoreline..." - E
"Ouch. That's not too bad. All of my friends and family would absolutely loooooove me moving to Marysville." - Me
"Lol it's not too late!" - E
"No. I watched my new kids lift today. I've bonded." - Me
"Lies. You aren't bonded until they bleed on you." - E
"Haha nope. I stretched them too. Those two equal bleeding." - Me
"Yeah, so why haven't you applied yet? :p" - E
"I told you. I bonded." - Me

Adoption

"You imprinted on me. Like a baby duck." - Me
"What?" - Athlete
"Bones." - Me
"So confused." - Athlete
"Just nod and accept." - Me

Summer hobbies

"K, I saw you got married on Facebook." - Athlete 1
"You got married?" - Athlete 2
"Yep, but only on Facebook. Not in real life." - Me
"Didn't like him enough, huh?" - Athlete 2

Shaving

"If I don't shave at least every other day--" - Athlete 1
"It's like 'Hey look, I'm a bear.'" - Athlete 2

Confusion

"Are you playing softball?" - Athlete 1
"Of course! ...Wait...no." - Athlete 2

Trust

"Where are you playing football? Is there someone there that can tape your glove? Don't let Coach C do it." - Me
"7 on 7. Coach R and coach C are at them. Why not Coach C?" - Athlete
"Trust me. It's Coach C." - Me

Cephalapods

"I can't help it!!! Please tell me there's some kind of magic tape I can do or brace to fix my entire lower leg. Or at least my knee." - Athlete
"There is. Coincidentally, it looks like you're getting attacked by blue octopi." - Me
"Yayyyyyyyy :) I miss my octopus." - Athlete

Memories

*at graduation*
"She's not wearing shoes." - A
"I don't remember where I put them." - M
"Why am I not surprised?" - Me

This is how they miss me

"You don't stretch my shoulder out anymore and now I throw like you." - Athlete

Bossiness

*Athlete bouncing lacrosse ball on ground and puts it against her mouth*
"Don't put the lacrosse ball on your mouth." - Me
*Athlete licks lacrosse ball*
"Ew." - Me
"Don't tell me what to do." - Athlete
" Don't NEED me to tell you what to do." - Me

Middle earth vs. Religion

"My teacher is a nun. And she wears the full hobbit...habit?" - Athlete
"Habit." - Me
"She does not wear a mystical midget." - Therapist
"But she wears brown Uggs in the winter!" - Athlete

Cleaning

*athlete face plants into a cake he made*
"J, stop licking your glasses." - P

"They have cake on them." - J

The magical powers of cake

"I need cake!" - Me
"K, cake doesn't make you not cry, it just gives you diabetes!" - M
"Or it makes you choke when your athletes make you laugh. E, you're giving me the Heimlich if I can't breathe." - Me

You found it WHERE?

"I just pulled mascara out of my ear and now I'm really confused." - Me
"#Kproblems" - Athlete

Jewelry

"Here B, I'm making you a cankle bracelet." - D, wrapping prewrap around his ankle

Oh really?

"K, can I have one of these granola bars?" - D (a boy)
"Yeah, or I have chocolate ones. Cause the one you're holding is for women." - Me
"Well I am pregnant." - D

Choices

"So what are you doing after this?" - E
"I lose my job." - Me
"That was way too happy." - M
"Well my options are 'happy' or 'you: sobbing on the table.'" - Me
"I only left two teardrops on the table." - M

Reasons

"K, you're leaving?" - E
"Yep." - Me
"M, K's leaving too. You are screwed. Everyone's leaving you." - E

Damage

"K, it's horrible. I just look at the seniors and start crying. And they say 'What's wrong with you?'" - Athlete
"Everything. We're just now figuring out how much." - Me

Missing

"Where's the banquet?" - Me
"Gym B." - Athlete
"I'll be there." - Me
"Stop and pick up your dignity on the way." - Athlete
"By the way, have you found yours yet?" - Me
*Athlete looks at me and tugs down her short shorts*
"That would be a no." - Me

Synonyms

"What's another word for simultaneous?" - Athlete
"...Simultaneously...?" - Me
"That's an adverb! Concurrent?" - Athlete
"Yeah." - Me
"I'm brain damaged! You're supposed to help me." - Athlete
"I has the dumb today." - Me

Types of Fun

"What fun can we do?" - Athlete
"Um...?" - Me
"And I mean actual fun, not cleaning fun. Because that's not really fun. That's just fun for you." - Athlete

Ownership

"What are you two doing? You're such little spazzes." - Me
"Yeah, but we're your little spazzes." - Athlete

Italian Stallion

"We're not good but we get the job done." - Athlete 1
"So your frisbee team is like the Expendables?" - Me
"What? What's our team name again?" - Athlete 1
"You're the Melonheads." - Athlete 2
"K, you're making movie references again. You know I don't get those. What movie is that?" - Athlete 1
"It's a Sylvester Stallone movie." - Me
"Is that the boxer guy? What's his name? Rampage?" - Athlete 1

Knowledge

"You have to hold the paper when you cut it." - Me
"The more you know..." - Athlete
*pause*
"I'm so happy you just made that reference." - Me

Creativity

"If I draw an eye on my hand will it make a chameleon?" - D
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" - Me, falling over while stretching B
"As soon as he said that, I knew you were going to fall over laughing. What are you even talking about?" - B
"Look, on my hand! It looks like a chameleon." - D
*gets a pen and draws on an eye and top hat*
"Rawwww!" - D

Supplier

*at the baseball banquet getting a drink from the ice chest*

"I think this is the first time all year K hasn't had to supply the ice!"

The Feminine Logic

"Man, I'm so old. I'm like an antique. I need specialty care." - Athlete
"If you're an antique, what does that make me?" - Me
"Uh..." - Athlete
"A fossil?" - Me
"Yeah, that's it!" - Athlete
"What?! Are you calling me old?!" - Me
"What?...Well...You brought it up!" - Athlete
"You're not supposed to agree with me!" - Me
"I thought you'd go with it." - Athlete

Swearing

"I'm really bad at my pronun...pronoun...pronun..." - Athlete
"Pronunciation?" - Me
"Yes! What the fluff?! What the actual fluff?!" - Athlete

Acceptance

*immediately after girls lacrosse has lost in the state semifinals*

"Well, since lacrosse lost, I'm done with sports at H." - Me
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" - Athlete
"I'll still be there for almost 2 more weeks." - Me
"I got hit with a Frisbee today during the tournament. I need you to treat my shin every day from now until graduation." - Athlete

Special Guest Star II

Starring: Nick the P.E. Teacher

"I'm totally killing you in pickle ball." - Athlete
"I think I'm coming out ahead in the series." - Nick
"You know what they say about those who can't do, right Nick?" - Me
"They teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym." - Nick

Summer

"Summer is the time for tanning and getting your butt stuck to leather things." - M
"Hahahahaha what?!" - Me
"Nothing. I'm going to go get my trombone and my phone." - M
"Look for your dignity while you're at it." - Me
*M looks herself up and down*
"What?" - M
"I think you dropped it right there." - Me

After-school Activities

"That is not a softball bruise!" - Me
"Shh! Be vewy, vewy quiet. We're hunting wabbits." - Athlete

Boredom

*athlete comes hopping down the hall*
"What happened?!" - Me
"I found packing tape, so I wrapped myself in it. K, will you finish?" - Athlete
"Heck yes!" - Me

Credit

"Freshman year I broke my nose--" - P
"P, let's give credit where credit is due. I broke your nose." - M

Names

"We're writing letters to get K her job back next year." - Athlete 1
"I'll write like 6 letters." - Athlete 2
"And sign them all different names, like Snake Pliskin." - Me
"Snake Pliskin was the first name that popped into your head?" - Athlete 2
"As it should be. It wasn't the first to pop into yours?" - Me

Thoughts

"I'm so weirded out by our bodies. I think about if we were to take off all our skin and muscle, we'd just be skeletons walking around going 'Heeeey!'" - Athlete, strutting
"BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" - Me
"And that's why I can't ever remember anything you say to me; because I have stuff like that running through my brain." - Athlete

Patience

"Heeeeyyyy, K. IIIIII'm so hyyyyyper. I might as well be one big ball of suuuuuugar." - Athlete
"Then I might as well kick you out now then." - Me

Favorites

"K, you love B more!" - M
"M, I do not!" - Me, while stretching A
"Yes you do!" - M, giving me puppy dog eyes
"I do not! Stop making me feel guilty!" - Me
*M keeps giving me puppy dog eyes*
"Stop it! You're hurting A!" - Me, realizing I'm stretching A way too far

Appearances Can Be Deceiving

*while working on the back of M on the turf*
"K, I just got a piece of turf in my mouth." - M
"Well, it's going to get worse, so you might be stuffing turf in your mouth to keep from screaming in a minute." - Me
"Yep." - M
"Ooh! K's giving M a massage!" - KG
"KG, this isn't a pleasant experience for them." - Me
"Well it looks nice, at least." - KG
"Agh! K! I just swallowed turf! Ppppbbbbbllll" - M
"I rest my case." - Me

Habits

"K, it hurts so bad. It's like labor pains, but on the wrong side!" - Athlete
"Hahahahaha!!!" - Me
"That's going on Facebook, isn't it?" - Athlete

Pain Tolerance

"I'm about to pass out from the pain." - Athlete
"I could have some fun with that." - Me
"I'd wake up in a pretzel, huh?" - Athlete
"And covered in sharpie and highlighters." - Me

Treatment Options

"K, if it hurts here and I ice it, will it get better?" - (Male) Athlete
"It should." - Me
*in high-pitched little kid voice* "Yaaaaay!" - Athlete

Tongue-tied

"Working on your shoulder has left the imprint of a skull. Want me to draw it on?" - Me
"Sure." - Athlete
"Everyone's going to wonder why you have a skull on your face." - Me
"A skull on my face? HAHAHAHA...K, want to stretch my face now?" - Athlete

Brain Power

"I'm not the smartest tool in the shed." - Athlete
"Don't you mean sharpest?" - Me
"That's exactly what I'm talking about!" - Athlete

Minor Differences

"See my cuts? I got them from this." - Athlete, pointing to jagged metal edge on helmet
"That looks dangerous." - Me
"Yeah, but I don't require stitches, so it's only MILDLY dangerous, not ACTUALLY dangerous." - Athlete

Dying

"Today I came to the realization that my arm is on its last legs." - Athlete
"I'm more worried by the fact that your arm has now grown legs." - Me

Edited for Content

"What does that even mean?" - Athlete 1
"Clearly whoever just said that has never seen Boondock Saints." - Me
"I love Boondock Saints! What did they say?" - Manager
"Let's make like a tree and get the eff out of here." - Me
"No I didn't. I said 'fuck'." - Athlete 2

Dedication

"K, you can't leave!" - Athlete
"I have to leave." - Me
"You should get a job at my school next year. I'd play whatever sport you worked with." - Athlete
"Even girls lacrosse?" - Me
"You'd...find a good surgeon." - Athlete

So Was Jesus

"Who is better at fixing you, me or D?" - Me
"You." - P
"Hah!" - Me
"But I'm Jesus!" - J
"D, you're Jewish." -P

Semantics

"You're falling apart, aren't you D?"
"I'm not falling apart, my skin's just coming off."

He's Worldly

(During a batting competition)

"This is the craziest thing since 'Nam."

Rules of Softball

"K, we're softball players. We don't RUN!"

Spontaneous

"Is it here?" - Me, using the churro on her hamstring
"Yeah." - Female Athlete
"I can feel it." - Me
"Caaaalling in the air toniiiiiiight." - Male Athlete
"Hahahahahaha!!" - Me and female athlete

Guest Post by EM

athlete: "will you peel my orange please?"
me: "um, no. why can't you peel your own orange?"
athlete: "my fingers hurt...."
me: "sounds like a personal problem, find a freshman"
athlete: "PLEEEEASE peel my orange?"
me: "no"
athlete: "peel my orange!"
me: "once more, no!"
athlete: "ok..."

Baseball Catchers

"K, do you own orange nail polish?" - Catcher 1
"I went to Oregon State. Of course I own orange nail polish." - Me
"Can you bring it for me?" - Catcher 1
"Uh, why?" - Me
"I want to paint my finger nails." - Catcher 1
"Uh, why?" - Me
"So the pitcher can see my hands when I call." - Catcher 1
"Oh, sure. I'll bring it tomorrow." - Me
"What are you bringing tomorrow?" - Catcher 2
"Nail polish so he can paint his nails." - Me
"OOH!! Can I use it too?!?!" - Catcher 2

Best Treatment Ever

"It's times like this that I really wish I could just fix all of you with hugs." - Me
"That would be so cool! Especially when my hip starts hurting, I'd just be like..."*mimes getting hugged* - Athlete
"Haha yep. My office would clear out so quickly." - Me

Nearby Towns

"Why is it that every town around us is full of scum bags? I don't think WH is scum bags, just annoying."

Timing

"Let the torture continue!" - Me, working on the shoulder of Athlete 1
"I have handcuffs!" - Athlete 2, holding up the discarded flexi-wrap from his shoulder which he had fashioned into handcuffs
"Hahahahaha!" - Me
"She's doing it again. Why does she always laugh at us? - Athlete 2

Lacrosse Mom Guest Post

"We went to a lacrosse game and a hockey game broke out."

Said after one of the opposing team's players threw his lacrosse stick at one of our players.

Icing

"You need to ice!" - Me
"I have to go to karate class." - Athlete
"Yes, but if you don't ice now you won't later. I'll sick (mutual friend) A on you!" - Me
"Yeah, and she's closer to my shins. This class is going to suck." - Athlete

MySpace

"Kelly, what's MySpace?" - Athlete 1
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" - Me
"She always laughs at the things we say and do, and we don't understand why." - Athlete 2 to 1

Generation Gap

"K, how was your weekend?" - Athlete
"Oh, I bought the Alien movie anthology on Blu Ray." - Me
"Alien?" - Athlete
"You know, Alien, Aliens, 'They mostly come at night,' face suckers, bursting through the chest...aliens." - Me
"I have no idea what you're talking about. Is that from the 80s?" - Athlete
*shows athlete picture of an alien* "These guys!" - Me
"Ohhhhh! You mean the aliens from 'Alien vs. Predator'! Why didn't you just say so?" - Athlete

Vegetarianism

"K, I don't eat meat. I'm a vegetarian." - B
"B, you eat chicken. Chicken is meat." - Me
"Yeah, but it's not red meat." - B
If you eat any kind of meat, you're not a vegetarian." - Me
"Yes I am. I'm ovo-lacto-vegetarian." - B
"HAHAHAHAHA!! Do you even know what that means?" - Me

Body Parts

"K, I hate my groin. It sucks. I wish I didn't have one." - One of my players while I was stretching him out

Shopping

"The woman walking behind me at Walgreen's probably thought I was crazy. I was walking down the food aisle and I saw beef jerky, turkey jerky, and then I said out loud to myself 'Baple Macon Jerky' and she looked at me really funny. - J, holding a giant bag of maple bacon jerky

Lifting Weights

"My mom accused me of being on steroids again last night. I don't know why." - J
"J, you're huge." - Me
"I'm just really good at building muscle!" - J

Optimism

"I'm a cankle model." (He then turned and posed with his toe pointed daintily)

Twins

"Should I wear my socks like he has them?" - Kid, who points to his (twin) brother
"Yes. Then you can be twins!" - Me
*awkward pause*
"Bahahahaha!" - Me

Aging Part II

"Wait, how much older than me are you?" - One of my students
"We established this. I'm just shy of ten years older than you." - Me
"Wait...Shrek came out when you were in high school?! I'M OLD! Shrek came out ten years ago!" - Student
"Oh my god." - Me

Baseball Season Guest Post

Courtesy of the TV Show "Bones"

"Well it's baseball season, sweetie. This is when boys like to hit balls with sticks when the snow melts. I don't know why." - Angela

Aging, Part I

"How old are you?" - Me
"16." - Athlete
"Wow. I'm just shy of being ten years older than you." - Me
"You're like twice my age!" - Athlete
"Uhhh...no. - Me

Naptime?

"Do you want to drain the blood out of your nail?" - Me
"We can? How?" - One of my AT students
"With a needle. Or a scapula. I have a scapula." - Me
*student just stares at me*
"Scalpel. I have a scalpel. I actually have two scapulas." - Me
*student bursts out laughing*

Special Guest Star I

Featuring: Assistant Principal at the end of a 12-hour wrestling tournament

"Come on , guys! Give me something I can work with!" - Me
"Something you can work with will give us a 45 minute delay and another ambulance." - AP
"Ok then, give me something he can work with!" - Me
"Something I can work with is a fight!" - AP
"So then what do I say to make this end faster?" - Me

Beginnings

Today's date is actually June 6, 2013.

However I'm posting this as being January 1, 2013 so that everyone who gets to the very beginning can see it.

The concept was fairly simple:

I work at a high school, and throughout the year, my kids would say hilarious things. Not wanting to forget these things, I started posting them as "Quotes of the Day" on Facebook. I've been doing these for years, so it was no surprise.

Eventually, I just started calling them "Conversation with my athlete" as a general preface. Before long, I had a following of friends telling me they would check my page just to see what my athletes said. They suggested I start a blog. That went on for about two months before I finally sat down and did it.

That's about all there was to it. So for anyone who works with athletes that say funny things, I hope you enjoy this. And for anyone who wants to add submissions of your own, feel free to let me know!

K