Long way to the top

"I wanna hold that kid down and shave his head." - Admin, talking about a kid with relatively long straggly hair
*kid puts on neon orange sunglasses and starts walking an epic strut*
"Hahaha!" - Me
"Is it the strut?" - Admin
"Yep. And the shirt that goes down to his knees and the lax bro short pants. But the hair's not so bad. He looks a bit like Angus Young." - Me
"If he could play guitar like Angus Young I'd let the hair slide." - Admin
"Me too." - Me

Tech gen logic

"Hi, can you watch my phone? I don't want to leave it in my bag." - Lax player
"Are you a day camper or an overnight?" - Me
"Overnight." - Lax player
"Then why did you bring it out with you? Why didn't you leave it in your room?" - Me
*really long pause*
"I don't know." - Me

Can't stop the signal

*Walking down the hallway towards the main door in jean shorts and a white t-shirt*
"Whooooah. 'Eeeeeey booooty!" - Two ten year olds at the other end of the hall
*Give them this look*

Adorable little sociopaths

No, mommy needs her water.

Just a little bit.

No, because remember at the beach yesterday you said you were only going to have a little bit of my water and you poured it out and filled it with sand.

But it was special sand. And I filled it all the way to the top.

- Conversation between a mom and her 3 year old son

Get outta here, kid. You bother me.

*Knock Knock on my door*
"Are you selling anything?" - Two young kids
"What?" - Me
"Are you selling anything? The other coaches are selling heads and stuff." - Kids
"Oh. Yeah, I'm the person you come to when you're hurt. I'm not selling anything." - Me
"That's weird." - Kids, walking away

Truffle Shuffle

"Don't move." - Coach, who then turns and walks away
"I'm moving." - 10 year old Goalie, putting his palms together overhead and then wiggling his hips side to side

Not MPAA approved

"I have a question. Can there be, like, minimal twerking? Not full twerking but just a little." - Campers prepping for talent show

Double check

"Dude, you good?" - Me

"Yeah, I just stayed down because I was tired." - Camper

Ab work

Things said while doing core work with lacrosse goalies:

On side planks:
"I think my ass is about to break off!"

On flutter kicks:
"I totally feel like Michael Phelps right now!!"

They're taking it back?

*In the lacrosse unlimited camp store where multiple girls are present*
"One and one, we're having some fun, in the bedroom, all day, and all of the night!" - Group of boys, singing a rendition of 'One and One' by 2 Live Crew (To the tune of 'I just want to be with you all of the time' song)
"Oh, yeah, that's the 2 Live Crew song." - One boy to another
"Why are you guys singing 2 Live Crew songs. Keep it holy, now!" - Me
"You know who 2 Live Crew is?!" - Boy
"Of course I know who they are. I was alive when they were founded. Something you cannot even say." - Me
"But you know the song 'One and One'?" - Boy
"Of course I know it! It's not appropriate!" - Me, knowing full well I've never heard that song but knowing enough about 2 Live Crew to know that it shouldn't be sung at camp
"Well it's coming back!" - Other boy
"Oh dear god. Go back to your room." - Me

So much for advice from elders

*At the lacrosse unlimited camp booth on the boys' floor of camp*
"You guys just wanted to be on the boys floor." - Me
"Uh, no. I have a boyfriend." - Girl
"What? You're like 10." - Me
"What?! I'm 13." - Girl
"Yeah, it still doesn't count." - Me
"What do you mean? It totally counts." - Girl
"Haha sure. Don't trust the married woman." - Me

Cooties

"Are we having an evening session?" - Girls
"Yes. It starts at 6:15." - Me
"NO! We don't want to!" - Girl
"Well too bad. Go get ready." - Me
"But I'm all sweaty and smell like a boy! And boys are gross!" - Girl

At least they know the words?

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK* - Suite of our dorm room
"NO NO NO!! DON'T ANSWER IT! It's kids." - Frantic whispering by a couple coaches
"I'll just say no coaches are in here." - Me
"Okay." - Coaches
"What's up girls?" - Me
"Um, is C or M in there?" - Gaggle of 8-9 year old girls
"No. None of the coaches are in here." - Me
"WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT! NO! WE AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT!" - Girls in unison
"Do you even know who sings that song?" - Me
"No. OH MICKEY YOU'RE SO FINE!!" - Girls
"What about that song?" - Me
"MICKEY MOUSE!!" - Girls

Stocking up for camp

"Yeah, go see that guy to put money into your kid's account for the camp store." - Coach
"How much should I give you?" - Mom
"Three hundred!" - Camper
"That's way too much!" - Mom
"Two hundred." - Camper
"That's much more reasonable." - Mom

False threats

*After no text responses for almost a week*
"Sorry on a trip." - Former Athlete
"You hate me. I get it." - Me
"Was it that obvious??" - FA
"Clearly. Maybe I'll just move to Texas and save you the trouble of not answering my texts. Then you'll miss me.
And I'll sing that song from pitch perfect as I drive away..." - Me
"Don't say stupid things... They're scary." - FA
"I'm sorry!! I don't want to move to Texas!!" - Me

Birthday prank

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" - Me
"Thank you!" - Former ATS
"Whatcha doin'? - Me
"Working. You?" - Former ATS
"Packing for the move." - Me
"Moving? Where are you moving to?" - Former ATS
"Texas, did I not tell you that?" - Me, 100% joking
"NO!! YOU'RE MOVING TO TEXAS?! THIS IS THE WORST BIRTHDAY EVER!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" - Former ATS
"Ha. No. I'm totally joking." - Me
"I hate you. You almost made me cry on my birthday." - Former ATS

It's the humidity that kills you

"Hullo." - Coach, walking past me in the dorms with his shirt pulled up to his armpits, exposing his abs and pecs
"Uh, why?" - Me
"Sweaty." - Coach

Naivete

"We heard this kid was in the bathroom for like an hour and a half..." - Coach
"Maybe he was painting the ceiling. You know, they share rooms." - Other Camp Medic
"Painting the ceiling!" - Other Camp Medic's 6-year old son

It was only funny the first time, bud

"He's Lebroning so hard!" - Camper about another kid's flop

The darndest things

Things heard at lacrosse camp:

"FISH ARE FRIENDS, NOT FOOD!" - Multiple boys in unison

"Suns out, buns out!" - Athlete
"Whose buns are out?!" - Coach
"Yours!" - Athlete, pointing at coach's epic man bun