Only in the ATR

*Three athletes are having a cuddle puddle on one of my treatment tables*
"*sigh* This." - Male Athlete walking through

Judgement-free zone

"I think I fell asleep." - Male Athlete
"You did. We left you alone." - Me
"You did. You drooled. See? There's a nice little stain." - SA
"Greeeaaaat." - Male Athlete
"Don't worry, we don't judge. We point and mock, but we don't judge." - Me

In a row

"They're just standing out there." - SA, indicating boys weighting to lift
"The coach isn't here yet." - Senior Male Athlete
"Yes, but they look like a bunch of baby ducks. You should go out there." - SA
"Why?" - SMA
"So they can imprint on you. It would be cute." - SA
"Yeah, go be a mama duck." - Me
"And they'll make little duck noises." - SA
*in little baby voices* "B! B! B! B! B! B! B! B!" - Me and SA

*Note: My ATS pointed out to me the accidental pun on "weighting to lift" as opposed to the correct "waiting to lift". I've chosen to leave it incorrect for the sake of humor and acknowledgement of my own lack of sleep on any given day*

A figure of speech in which a term or phrase is applied to something to which it is not literally applicable

*ATS drops her phone and cracks the screen*
"FFFFFFFFFFFFF!!" - ATS
"Was it cracked before?" - Me
"No!" - ATS, laying down in a corner of the hallway
"Do you want popcorn?" - Me
"No." - ATS
"Do you want Rolos?" - Me
"Kinda." - ATS
"Okay. We'll get you some when we come back downstairs." - Me, walking upstairs with two other athletes
"THIS IS A METAPHOR!!" - ATS from the bottom of the stairs

Well that escalated quickly

*Athlete is putting duct tape on one of my chair arms*
"What are you doing, G?" - Me
"Having fun." - G
"Why?!" - Me
"BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE A CHILDHOOD, K!!" - G

Hearing check

"I make delicious grasshopper pie." - Me

"What?" - Athlete

"Grasshopper pie." - Me

"What is that?" - Athlete

"Chocolate chip mint." - Me

"What?" - Athlete

"Chocolate chip mint." - Me

"What?" - Athlete

"Chocolate. Chip. Mint." - Me and Athlete 2
"Ohhhhh why didn't you say that the first time!" - Athlete 1
*Confused stare* - Me

Patience

"THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!" - Me
"Breathe." - Female Athlete
*I inhale deeply through my nose and forcefully exhale*
*mockingly* "There ya go!" - Female Athlete

Mess with the bull...

"If you're going to kill the king, you have to hit the king." - Male Athlete
*SA mocks punching Male Athlete*
"DON'T HIT THE KING!" - Male Athlete

Amusement

"What are you doing?" - Me
"Trying to put the stray string from this lacrosse stick up his nose." - SA
"Oh, okay. Can I try?" - Me
"Sure!" - SA, handing me a men's defensive lacrosse stick
*maneuver string into Male Athlete's nose*
"Agh! It went so far in!" - Male Athlete
"Haha I'm proud." - Me
"I feel so violated!" - Male Athlete
"Was that unwanted touching?" - Me
"Kinda. It tickled my brain." - Male Athlete

Home sweet home

*While looking at random trivia for Connecticut (current location) and Washington State (my home state)*
"Ooh! Famous people!" - Me
"Okay, let's hear it." - Athlete
"Connecticut: Samuel Colt." - Me
"Who?" - Athlete
"Famous gunmaker." - Me
"Oh, right. More." - Athlete
"P.T. Barnum, Nathan Hale, Harriet Beecher Stowe, and Noah Webster. All well-known." - Me
"Okay, not too bad. What about Washington?" - Me
"OH! Bob Barker. BOOYAH!!" - Me
"DAMMIT! You win." - Athlete

Literate stupidity

"You can't have a black guy named Tom. I mean, Uncle Tom's Cabin, come on!" - Athlete 1
"It might be the whitest name in the world." - Athlete 2

I'm scared and confused

"This is a safe space." - Me
"This is normal." - Male Athlete, indicating that another athlete is playing with his nipple
"Is this unwanted physical contact?" - Me to Male Athlete
"Believe me, this is very wanted." - Male Athlete

Sports

"I don't know why people do a sport that's just running." - G
"Because you run slow, and then you can talk, and tell stories, and sing songs." - Me
"We sang songs in wrestling, but they were just songs about how unhappy we were while running in the stairwell." - G

Getting the message

"Is K in here?" - Male Lax Athlete to SA
"Yes. Why?" - Me
*MLA starts crawling into my office because I don't allow cleats*
"I need bandaids." - MLA

Noises

"No, please stop. Your cup still has little bits of soda in it and I don't want it to get on me!" - SA
*Male Athlete keeps trying to put his cup on her*
"NIMNIMNIMNIMNIMNIMNIMNIMNIMNIMNIMNIM!!" - SA
*I turn and look at her*
"What?" - SA
"That was just so cute!" - Me

Enjoying the nice weather

*Heard from the boys locker room*

"IIIIIIIII'M GONNA SOAK UP THE SUUUUUUUUUN!! I'M GONNA TELL EVERYOOOOONE TO LIIIIIGHTEN UUUUUUP!!"

Prom hair

"Just to clarify, my hair took three hours, three tries, and a few tears." - SA
"So were the tears incorporated into the hair or...?" - Me

I have my moments

NOTES:
1. I went to Oregon State for school.
2. Oregon State is currently ranked #1 in the country for baseball by the baseball writers association

*Kid on visiting baseball team wearing giant sweatshirt that says "O BASEBALL" on it*
"If you're going to wear a shirt for an Oregon Baseball team, shouldn't you be wearing one for a team that actually WINS games?" - Me
"OOOOOOOOOOH!!! BUUUUUUUURRRRN!" - His entire team in unison

Those darn kids with there music and their clothes

"I don't like this song. Wait, is this the Harlem Shake?" - Me
"Haha no. It's 'we're the illest.'" - SA
"Oh." - Me
"Jeez, K. Get with the program. Wikkidy wikkidy wack, yo." - SA

Why so serious?

"Calm your ta-tas! But you'll need me to actually get you a bra." - SA to Male Athlete

The Shaggy Dog

"You have so much hair." - Me to Male Athlete who was tousling his almost shoulder-length hair
"I know." - Male Athlete
"You look like a sheep dog." - Me
"Yep. We're a proud race, us sheep dogs." - Male Athlete

Rolling in the deep

"Is this a computer?" - Athlete
"Yes." - SA
"Is it yours?" - Athlete
"Yes." - SA
"What kind is it?" - Athlete
"It sets fire to the rain." - SA
"HAHAHAHAHA!" - Me
"What?" - Athlete

Lady part rebellion

"What's wrong?" - Me
"I have a headache and I don't feel well." - Female Athlete
"Are you on your period?" - SA
"Yes." - Female Athlete
"Will you have it for prom?" - SA
"YES!!! I AM SO FREAKING PIIIISSED!!!!" - Female Athlete
"Well, that escalated quickly." - Me

Constant supervision required

"GAHH!" - Male Athlete
*Look over to see his pants halfway down while wearing neon orange compression shorts and him pointing at a huge welt on his knee*
"B?!?! WHY DO YOU INSIST ON TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF?!?!" - Me
"Because my shorts are all the way over there." - Male Athlete
"SO?! PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!!" - Me

Love and marriage, love and marriage...

"Why do you have a bunch of engagement rings pinned?" - Me
"I just love them. And--everything to do with marriage." - Athlete
"*pause*...Does that include divorce?" - Me
"NO!" - Athlete

Athletic Supporters

"Why are you staring at me? Are you staring at my man-boobs again?" - Male Athlete
"No, but I'll get you a bra if you want." - SA

Semantics

"A, I'm broken again! Fix me!" - Male Athlete to SA
"Come on!" - SA
*Heard from the other room*
"I DIDN'T SAY YOU COULD TOUCH ME! THAT'S SEXUAL ASSAULT!" - Male Athlete
"YOU SAID I COULD TOUCH YOU!! I ASKED FOR CONSENT!!!" - SA
"Oh, right. K, we're good in here! Never mind!" - Male Athlete to me

PDA

*Boyfriend and Girlfriend kiss*
"Ewwww!" - Female Athlete
*Bleeeeaeaaaagh* - Me and Female Athlete

Or else it gets the hose again

"Why are your arms so soft? I've always wondered." - Female Athlete
"I use lotion." - Male Athlete
*giggling to myself*
"What? Are you laughing because of the lotion thing?" - Female Athlete
"Yes." - Me
"No, he's really soft. See?!" - Female Athlete, dragging Male Athlete over

Heard in the ATR

"Did you get blood in my hair?!" - Female Athlete to Male Athlete

Foreign Languages

"You should stop making that noise because you sound like you're speaking Parseltongue." - Student Assistant
"What's Parseltongue?" - Athlete
"SHUT UP AND GET OUT!" - SA
"What she said." - Me

High tech equipment

"This stick is insane. You could put a baby in here and not worry." - Lacrosse athlete holding another player's stick vertical and not losing the ball in the pouch