Torture

"AGH!!" - Female Athlete in other room
"hehehehehe!" - Male Athlete in other room
"What just happened?" - Me
*Male Athlete walks into room holding up his cleat*
"No. Just no." - Me
*viciously attacked by smell emanating from cleat*
"OH MY GOD!" - Me
"My eyes are watering!" - Female Athlete

All hail the grammar superhero!

"UConn does good under stressful situations." - Athlete 1
"Superman does good. UConn does well!" - Athlete 2
"HAHAHAHAHA! I'm so happy right now!" - Me
"Uh, why?" - Athlete 1

Hope for the youth of America

*Male Athletes pounding on the door to the locker room*
"No!" - Me
"What? Oh, boys." - Female Athlete
"Yep." - Me
"And then there came a rapping, a tapping on my chamber door." - Female Athlete
"Quoth the athletic trainer: never more." - Me

LATFH

*ATS walks in wearing large tortoise shell glasses and bright red lipstick*
"You are such a hipster." - Me
"Why?" - ATS
"Look at you, with your hair, and your large glasses, and your bright red lipstick." - Me
"First of all, this is my hair--" - ATS
"Oh! Did you see what I found?!* - Me, indicating the pile of water jugs
"My dignity? Because I think I lost it sometime." - ATS
*pause*
"You had dignity?" - Me

Ah, puberty

"Oh my God,  he answered the door without his shirt on and it was TMB--Too Much Body!" - Overheard while working a basketball tournament with a bunch of 13 year old girls

Urban dictionary won't save you now

*athlete says something that sounds derogatory*
"What did you say?" - Me
"No, I said binger. Don't worry." - Athlete
"You're a terrible liar." - Me
"Why? It's a type of house plant." - Athlete
"Uh huh." - Me
"I'm six feet under right now, aren't I?" - Athlete
"Getting deeper by the second." - Me
*athlete mimes digging*

My eyes are burning

"B, you smell awful." - Me
*motions to hug me*
"No!" - Me, cringing
*motions to hug two girls*
"NO!! NO!!" - Both
*shorter girl ducks under his arm*
"See, that's the perk of being shorter." - Me
"Totally." - Short athlete
"Yes, but that makes it easier to--" *motions to shove his armpit in her face* - B
"NOOOO!!!" - Short Athlete

Here it goes again

"Wow, these pants are not the ones I thought I was wearing. I'm going to pull my shorts back up." - Male Athlete
"Lack of supervision, part two!" - Female Athlete

New Concept

"You guys are gonna get spoiled." - Me
"Why?" - Baseball Player 1
"Because." - Me
"We don't get spoiled. Do you mean like milk?" - Baseball Player 2

Phrasing!

"I feel like I'm walking around with a stick up my butt." - Male Athlete 1 with ice strapped to his back
"So take it out." - Male Athlete 2
"But I like it there." - Male Athlete 1

Color of the day

"This says 'Currently Craving: Green'. Apparently I'm craving green. I crave colors." - Athlete on Pinterest on her laptop
"I'm currently craving...clear." - Me, taking a drink of my water
*We look at each other*
"Hahahahahaha!" - Both of us

Leonardo DiCaprio would not approve

"How did you even do that, M?" - Me, to Male Athlete who just knocked over my mug of water
"He wanted to lay down like one of your French girls." - Female Athlete

Lack of supervision

*I walk back into my office from the cafeteria to see one male athlete putting his belt back on in a room with three other people*
"Wha...?" - Me
"Oh! Yeah..." - Male Athlete
*everyone laughs at the face I'm making*
"I was gone for two minutes!" - Me
"Well, to be fair, he was putting his pants back on." - Female Athlete
"Still!" - Me
"Well, I wasn't sure if I wanted to change because of the ha, and the hooo, and the wooo wooo." - Male Athlete, miming lacrosse motions

Joining the majority

"My boob is slipping!" - Male Athlete with a lacrosse ball down his shirt

Egos

"Hey, look at this and tell me on a scale of 1 to 10." - Male Athlete 1, showing a picture of his older brother in military uniform multiple people
"Wait, what?" - Male Athlete 2, walking into the room looking very confused
"He's trying to convince us that his older brother is less attractive than him while in uniform, but it's not working." - Me to Male Athlete 2
"Oh...yeah, it's not. He's a good lookin' dude." - Male Athlete 2
"What?! No!" - Male Athlete 1
"And if a guy says it, you know it's true!" - Female Athlete

First Responder

"Hey K, do you have any candy?" - Male Athlete 1
"Hey K, do you have another Arizona tea?" - Male Athlete 2
"No." - Me
"Can I just go roll my butt?" - Female Athlete 1
"Yes." - Me
"Wait?! What kind of operation are you running back there?!" - Male Athlete 2
*I nearly choke on my Arizona tea*
"Can you cough? Keep coughing!" - Female Athlete 2
*I start to choke harder*
"I'll talk you through this! You'll be okay!" - Female Athlete 2

Specifics

"Hey.....someone might be coming in." - Male Athlete 1
"Okay...?" - Me
"Here he is." - Male Athlete 1
"Hey, do you have ice? I got hit in the...yeah." - Male Athlete 2

Stalking

"The girl I'm thinking of rooming with next year is also going to the orientation thing I'm going to." - ATS
"So you're going to meet her?" - Me
"Maybe. I don't want to be all 'Let's meet under the arch at this time,' that would be creepy." - ATS
"So you don't want to be creepy? You're going to wait until you're living together and she's stuck with you?" - Me
"Pretty much, yeah." - ATS

Mind readers. We're all mind readers.

"Oh, I need to show you this. I pinned it just for you." - Me
*shows picture of romper outfit to ATS*
"Why am I looking at this?" - ATS
*scroll down to bottom where it says "Show this to G"*
"Hahahaha! Hey G!" - ATS
"I already saw the romper!" - G calls from the other room

Surviving Jaws

*Athlete walks out of my office on crutches*
"He did that in gym?" - ATS
"Yeah. Sharks and Minnows." - Me
"Wow...go hard or go home..." - ATS

Old vs. New

"K, I like you better than E (the former AT). - Athlete
"Why? I thought everyone like E." - Me
"Oh we do. But...you're just less...fuzzy." - Athlete
"I would hope so!" - Me

Vagueness

*In an email from ATS to me*
"I need help. Are you at school?" - ATS
"Yes. Should I be worried? You're not going to ask me to help hide a body or anything, are you?" - Me

Now you're just making that up

"What did you get?" - Athlete 1
*Athlete walks in with a Subway bag*
"I got Subway." - Athlete 2
"No s***." - Athlete 1
"Hey!" - Me
"No...ssss....skidoodles." - Athlete 1

Upperclassmen Wisdom

"He can't keep it in his pants!" - Senior Female Athlete 1 about classmate

"Totally!" - Senior Female Athlete 2

"T, keep it in your pants!" - SFA1 to Sophomore Male Athlete

"Okay. Wasn't planning on anything." - Sophomore Male Athlete (T)

Following the footsteps

Boyfriend Descriptors

"I wanted to show him that episode, but I couldn't say 'You remind me so much of Adam Scott, so here is him crying in a Batman suit.'" - Athlete

g-r-A-y, as in the ACTUAL one

"Why is this book called 'Gray's Anatomy'? And why is it spelled differently than the TV show? Was it named after the show?" - Athlete
"Because it was written approximately 150 years ago and the show used the name but changed the spelling to be clever/avoid getting sued." - Me
"Oh. I feel really dumb now." - Athlete

Location Location Location

"Well, I want to check your pelvic girdle to see if you're painful anywhere else." - Me
*finds pain while stretching athlete's piriformis and glutes*
"Wow. I really feel that in my butt." - Female Athlete
"Yep. I'm not surprised." - Me
"So it's my butt that's the problem today, huh?" - FA
"Apparently." - Me
"Aren't you done yet?" - Athlete 2
"No. My butt is a problem." - FA

Coping

"You're in rage mode, aren't you?" - Me
"I was. I'm not anymore. What gave it away?" - ATS
"You're suddenly blasting angry Fall Out Boy." - Me
"Oh. Yeah. It helps." - ATS

Letting Go

"K, we have a big problem." - Athlete
"What's up?" - Me
"I've had this ankle brace for six years, and it's finally ripped--" - Athlete
"Six years?!" - Me
"Yeah, why?" - Athlete
"They're supposed to be replaced every year." - Me
"But that's the problem: I can't get new ones! It's states!" - Athlete, hugging ankle brace to her chest
"Let me see." - Me
*Athlete hands me ankle brace clearly molded into the shape of ankle valgus*
"Let me guess: this is for your right ankle?" - Me
"How did you know that?!" - Athlete
"Lucky guess." - Me
"But see? It's ripped here!" - Athlete, pointing to where edging has come off of the fabric part
"Yep." - Me
"Can we salvage it?" - Athlete
"Well, if you haven't sprained your ankle wearing that this far, it's probably not going to kill you to keep using it. Although I strongly recommend you get new ones after the season." - Me
"Oh thank God! K, you rock!" - Athlete

Risk Taker

"Are these the banana bread muffins?" - Athlete
"Yes." - Me
"I've already had mild anaphylaxis, what else could happen?" - Athlete
"Never tempt the anaphylaxis gods, for they are fickle creatures." - Me
"True." - Athlete

Keen Observational Skills

"Are you coming to the game tonight?" - Me
"There's a game tonight?" - ATS
"Yeah, I told you yesterday." - Me
"Frak. I don't have any clothes." - ATS
"What about that bag?" - Me
"What bag?" - ATS
"The Stew Leonard's bag right there." - Me, pointing to a bag two feet from ATS
"That's not mine." - ATS
"That's not yours?! It's been here for like three weeks and I haven't done anything with it because I thought it was yours." - Me
"OH WAIT! OH MY GOD THAT'S MINE! I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR IT EVERYWHERE!" - ATS
"It hasn't moved in three weeks." - Me
"Why don't you point these things out to me?!" - ATS

Soul-crushing Debt

"How long will you be paying off student loans?" - Athlete
"The rest of my life...unless I win the lottery." - Me
"That could happen." - Athlete
"No, because I don't enough money to buy a lottery ticket!" - Me

Apt Date

"You guys are going to make me fat." - Me, taking pizza
"But it's Fat Tuesday, so it's okay!" - Cheerleader