I'm quite punny

"We're doing a core circuit. You do 45 seconds front, 45 seconds side, 45 seconds front again, and then 45 seconds other side." - Me
"That sounds horrible." - Athlete
"I'm hardcore." - Me
"Ha! I like that." - Athlete
"Why?" - Me

Laryngitis

"Do you like my voice?" - Me, rasping
"Very much. It's majestic." - Athlete

It's all their fault...

*Note: inspired by my athletic training student*
"My athletic training student convinced me to watch Sherlock and it kind of ruined me." - Me
"For what?" - Husband
"I don't know...life?" - Me

College

Meow Meow

"Are you purring again?!" - Me to athlete

Obliviate

"So I read a theory on why when you walk upstairs you forget why you're going up there--" - Athlete

*I interrupt with random something-or-other*

"Wait, I forgot what I was talking about." - Athlete

"Hahahahahaha!" - Me

"What's so funny?" - Athlete

We don't know kung-fu

"Can I borrow the blue pen?" - Athlete
"Do you want the blue pen or the blue pill? Because there is a difference." - Me
"Nah, I'm good with the blue pen. Not feeling Matrixy today." - Athlete
*I drop my head onto the desk and start laughing*

Glass is tipped on its side dribbling bits all over

"Have you heard about the opportunity test?" - Athlete
"No." - Me
*Athlete writes something on piece of paper*
"What do you see?" - Athlete
Shows me:

opportunityisnowhere

"Opportunity, I snow here?" - Me
"Well, see now you're just in your own category." - Athlete
"It's either 'opportunity is now here' or 'opportunity is nowhere', isn't it?" - Me
"Yep, but for you: OPPORTUNITY, I SNOW HERE!" - Athlete

Spontaneous Proposals

"I brought eggnog cheesecake bars." - Me
"Are these going to make me want to marry you?" - (Female) Athlete
"Don't you already?" - Me
*Bites into one*
"Would you accept a half of cheesecake bar as an engagement ring?" - Athlete
"Hahahaha!" - Me
"I'll take that as a yes." - Athlete

Keeping it Holy

"Hiding with the Father, huh?" - Me
"Yeah. I figured it was safe. You know, he's holy and all." - Athlete

Courage

Two athletes are going to a car in the snow to get something, and one stops halfway down:
"I'll pray for you! It's too cold!"

Anger Issues

"I need to get some anger out." - Athlete
"Well we're going to be doing heavy lifting tomorrow so you're welcome to help us." - Me
"When?" - Athlete
"Right after school." - Me
"We're actually doing work tomorrow. I know it's rare." - Athletic Training Student

Interwebs

Looking at something online with athletes:

"I'm uncomfortable!" - Athlete 1
"I'm actually enjoying it." - Athlete 2

Lending

"K, can I borrow the weight room?" - Athlete
"You want to borrow the weight room?" - Me
"Yes. Just for a little while." - Athlete
"Do you promise to bring it back?" - Me
"Yes. I just want to take it around the block." - Athlete
"Ok. Drive slow, and take it easy on the corners. It's icy out." - Me

Anxiety

"Hey, it's T!" - Me
"Is it just us?" - T, indicating him and R for the workout
"Yep, why do you think R called you?" - Me
"I don't know, I just figured R had separation issues." - T

Missing out

Text from athlete to ATS when ATS is home sick on the day I did wrestling hydration testing:

"You're missing K's cookies and wrestler's pee."

Digits

"I think I'd be okay if I lost my thumbs." - Athlete, with thumbs taped to hands

90's meme

Facebook post by a former athlete:

"M, on a scale of 1 to Dawson how much did you cry at Chicago Fire?"

You know can believe...

10 minutes after talking about Cool Runnings with my athletes...
*singing* "Jamaica, we got a bobsled team." - Athlete
*pause*
"K, I hate you." - Athlete

Warmups

*Seeing some baseball players throwing from far away*
"I hope you boys warmed up." - Me
"Yeah, we did these and these." - Athlete *mimes internal and external rotation at his side and 90 degrees abduction really quickly*
"With a band? Yay!" - Me
"No, just like this." - Athlete *mimes motions again*
"Gaah!" - Me

'Tis the Season

"She's such a f**** little b****." - Athlete 1
"I don't care what you call her, just don't swear." - Me
"Cotton headed ninnymuggins!" - Athlete 2
"YES!" - said in unison by Me and Athlete 3

Hashtag Twinning

"You're the good twin." - Athlete 1
"Amen to that." - Athlete 2
"You've always been the good twin. Since like kindergarten." - Athlete 3

Athletic Training Words

New words created in the athletic training room:

"Larsony" - Setting fire to a bookie's car

"Pamputate" - Spraying cooking spray on a wound prior to surgery

Impromptu surgery

Conversation between athlete and her boyfriend
"AHHHH. I GOT A HUGE PAPER CUT ON MY THUMB AND IT'S BLEEDING A LOT" - Athlete
"ELEVATE AND APPLY PRESSURE" - Boyfriend
"IT HURTS. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO AMPUTATE" - Athlete
"REMEMBER TO MAKE A CLEAN CUT AND ICE THE LOST DIGIT WE MAY BE ABLE TO REATTACH." - Boyfriend

Grains

My student athletic trainer was asked how to treat an ankle injury by another kid:

"What should I do?" - Athlete

"RICE." - ATS

"Like...brown...or pilaf?" - Athlete

Evilness

*Talking to former athletes*
"Yeah, K, you are just a terrible person." - Athlete
"Oh, and on that note, do you guys want some lemon squares I made today?" - Me
"K, I miss you so much!" - Athlete

Most delicious illegitimate love child ever

*athlete sends her boyfriend a picture of the chicken cutlets she cooked*
"They're beautiful, like the love child of Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling."