Wait, is this a mockumentary?

Football Player 1: SMELL MY FINGERS!! *shoving his fingers under his brother's nose*
Football Player 2: UGH! NO!!
FP1: These gloves are disgusting. I borrowed them, and they smell awful. Smell the glove. Hey K, smell the glove! *waving glove at me*
Me: NOO! I WILL NOT SMELL THE GLOVE! *thinking to myself: do not make a spinal tap reference! do not make a spinal tap reference!*

More effective than Gitmo

"Oh, God, this hurts so bad! It hurts so bad! How is this legal?! You're enjoying this, aren't you?! YOU'RE SMILING!! YOU'RE ENJOYING THIS!!" - Athlete getting calf massage

What they choose to hear

*Athlete walks in wearing lavender polo and pale yellow shorts*
"You look like an Easter egg." - Me
"You don't mean that. That's just your way of saying I look great today." - Athlete

Sadism vs Satanism

"This hurts so bad!" - Athlete stretching
"Good." - Me
"You're so mean!" - Athlete
"It's because we're sadists." - Coworker
"You're an atheist?" - Athlete
"What?" - Me
"Well, if you don't believe in God, it means you worship the devil, right?" - Athlete

It's Big River, Genius

"It's called the Rio Grande. You should learn that. You need to assimilate. What do you say every day when you come to school? The pledge of allegiance. You're in America now. Assimilate." - Soccer player teasing his teammate

"He actually doesn't need to assimilate because it's called the Rio Grande in Spanish too. We took the name from them, so he has it right." - Me to soccer player

"Ooooh! You just got schooled!" - Team

Logic

"This scale is way off. Before lunch it said I weighed 180 and now it says I weigh almost 210." - Athlete
"You're wearing your backpack." - Me
"...You need to stop being smart." - Athlete

I am so smart, I am so smart...

"Coach, can you open this for me?" - Student Athletic Trainer, holding an ice bag towards me
*I reach down and open it on the right side*
"I knew that! I SO knew that!" - SAT